We Are Parents!!!!

Well, almost.... We still have to go through the finalization court date.

Here is a picture of our celebratory (cheap) champagne that was opened at precisely 12:03 (after we received verification from our attorney):







And, a picture of our (*new!*) family:






Thank you all - so very very much - for your thoughts, prayers, support, and love during this time. We are almost there!

Thoughts on a *Sick* Baby

I am sure that all of us IF sufferers have gone through the anger/guilt spiral that includes the thought that "I am being punished for something. That is why I am not allowed to be a mom." Month after month of trying, test after test, shot after shot.... still no baby... still not a mom. It really did seem like *Someone* was trying to tell me something. If I was supposed to be a mom, wouldn't I be? How could those crackhead, baby-beating, non-job-holding, seemingly undeserving women be moms - and I cannot? What kind of system is being run "up there"?

This thought went through my head more times than was probably healthy: "I'm not supposed to be a mom - I'm not good enough."

And then Ukulele came to us. All too easily, actually, considering some of the obstacles that many adoptive parents face. The analytical lawyer in me asks: So what's the catch?

There are two schools of thought on this:

(1) She was meant to be with us. She is God's gift, and we were supposed to wait for her.
(2) There is a catch. It wasn't supposed to happen. I'm still not supposed to be a mom.

Sadly, School Two got the better of me the other night. Ukulele is my first child, so I'm kind of lost in the whole what's-happening-with-my-preemie-newborn thing. We've already called the nurse hotline twice and she's only been home for one week.

(Apologies for the following grossness...)

You see, Ukulele likes to puke up her formula, and then aspirate it down her airway. This leads to the inevitable choking fit where her face turns beet-red, she doesn't seem to breathe, and milk comes out of her nose. When she does catch her breath, she coughs up lots of milk mixed with mucus. Then a sneezing fit.

This has happened three times.

Twice we have called the nurse hotline about her little shenanigans, and twice we have been informed that it is all completely normal. We know how to clear her airways and her nose with the little bulb-thingy. And we now know the sneezing is normal as well. The doctor has even called me personally to calm me down and assure me that I'm doing everything right and this will pass.

But it freaks the hell out of us.

So what goes through my head as I try to fall asleep the other night (and Ukulele grunts next to me)?

I'm not supposed to have her.

If something happens to her, it is God saying "See, I tried to tell you. If you were meant to have kids, I would have helped you. Sorry, there was a mix-up in the baby-assignment section, and your Ukulele was supposed to go to someone else."

I know deep-down that the real answer is School One - this little girl was meant to be in our family. No doubt about it. But every time she hiccups, catches her breath, or even makes a new sound - I rush to her side to make sure she's okay. I move her a little to get a twitch out of her if I cannot see her breathing. And I look at her with tears in my eyes because I cannot believe she is actually here and I am so afraid I am going to royally screw it up somehow.

I just signed up for a lifetime of the most incredible worry I will ever experience in my entire life. And I'm afraid that every time she gets sick, all the "you're-not-good-enough" thoughts will come flooding back through.

Welcome to IF mommyhood. But despite all that....

I wouldn't change it for the world.

Ukulele, Part IV

The Final Installment

This post will be the last post on the incompetence (and incompetents) of the hospital where Ukulele was born. Please understand that I am sure she received more-than-adequate care. The "incompetency" was in the hospital's handling of an adoption situation.

Pediatrician
For those of you that recall, we had quite a time finding a pediatrician. We prevailed, and got a pediatrician that we were quite pleased with. So the night of Ukulele's birth, the hospital was informed of who her attending pediatrician was. However, in the delivery room, some hospital "person" asked the FirstMom who the pediatrician was. Of course she did not know. So this "person" asked her if she wanted the on-call pediatrician, and she said yes. So that is who Ukulele received. NOT our pediatrician of choice. AT ALL. So, because Dr. Not Ours was the pediatrician at the birth, that doctor remained her pediatrician for her whole stay. Our Pediatrician was not allowed to examine her - despite his repeated requests - because he was not the doctor of record. Now we have to go through the red-tape of having her records transferred to our doctor. Sound easy? Not so fast. Her records are not under the name we gave her. Nor do we believe they are under Baby Jane Doe. We believe they are under FirstMom's name. And the records have been "sealed" because this was a closed adoption. Can you see where all the problems are starting???

Hearing Test
Every newborn gets a hearing test. The parents are allowed to be there and ask questions and witness the test. The testers came up while I was feeding Ukulele. They were told I would be finished in a couple of minutes. As I was burping her, I watched them watch me, then walk over to a nurse, talk, and then leave. I was informed that they were going to go down to the maternity ward and do the "other" babies first. They'd get back with me if they had time. They ended up coming back when we were not there, not waiting for us, and then performing the test without us present. They left her results stuck to the inside of her crib. (She passed, by the way.)

Newborn Pictures
Every newborn gets to have his/her picture taken in the hospital. Well, when the call was made to find out when Ukulele's picture would be taken, the nurse was told that they would get to her sometime on Saturday (her discharge day), and that if we wanted pictures, we could not go through the hospital because we were not her biological parents, but we would be more than welcome to go to their website and order pictures. Well, they never did show up before her discharge on Saturday. So she does not have her newborn hospital pictures.

Nurse Attention
There were three nurses that we absolutely adored who took really good care of her. Because we were not the biological parents, we were not given a room of our own (the other hospital DOES do this in adoption situations). Ukulele was placed in the special care nursery with the other preemies. Three nurses were very careful to make sure she was always near them. If they were on the computer entering data, she was right next to them. If they were near another baby, she went along in her roller-crib. They really looked after her if we were not there. However, on discharge day, we buzzed the nurse station to get in. A new nurse answered and said she would come out and get the carseat from us (Ukulele had to pass the carseat test before she could be released).

I asked her if we were allowed to go back and see her. Nurse Kratchet said "She's sleeping."

So I said "Are you telling us we cannot go back and see our daughter?"

Kratchet responded, "She's sleeping. I'll come out and get the carseat and you can come back later."

I again stated "Are you telling me I cannot see my daughter right now?"

"She's sleeping."

"Well, we are not going to wake her up."

"Fine." So she came out and let us in. When we walked back to where Ukulele was, she was pushed against a wall all by herself. No one else was around.... it was like they left her over there because she was the red-headed-step-child.

We walked over to her, and I lightly laid my hand on her thickly-swaddled body (she obviously would not feel it, but at least I could lightly touch her body.)

And get this, Kratchet says... get ready....

"Don't touch her."

WTF????

Yes, she said that to me. GatorMan did not hear it, thankfully. I just stared at her. In complete disbelief, I just stared. Nurse Kratchet is getting a special shout-out in my board letter. How DARE this woman try to forbid me to see my child, and then tell me not to touch her. Bitch.

Other Hospital Personnel
One of my favorite nurses told me what had happened during a brief period of time we were not there. Another worker in the hospital, apparently a secretary-of-sorts, came up to see Ukulele. Thankfully the nursery Ukulele was in was restricted to certain personnel. So Secretary comes up and requests admittance. Favorite Nurse asks why. Secretary says "Because I am friends with the birthmother, and I would like to see the baby." Favorite Nurse says "You are not allowed in unless you are with the adoptive parents." Secretary states "But I work here." Favorite Nurse says "Too bad." Favorite Nurse has reported Secretary. Yay Favorite Nurse. Here's the kicker. Attorney knows Secretary, and said Secretary goes to Our Church. Can you only imagine what would have happened if she was allowed in and saw us sitting with Juno's child? So much for a closed-adoption. This is one of the very few things the hospital actually got right.

------------

There are two things that have really bothered us. One is the fact that the hospital did not respect our guardianship status. Thankfully, nothing medical-related happened so that we would be forced to exercise it. The second, however, that made us most angry is how our choice of pediatrician was handled. If there was a medical emergency, our doctor would not have been the one to see her. Oh, and our follow-up discharge appointment? Had to be done with the on-call doctor that was assigned to her. I took Ukulele to her office. I will NEVER go back. When I got there, I requested to be put in a separate room from the rest of the waiting area. There were sick kids everywhere, and their parent was letting them run around while they ate their Wendy's/McDonald's/Wherever lunch. Yes, the parents were eating lunch in the waiting room. More than one parent. It was appalling on a number of levels. I don't want to sound all high-and-mighty, but I am not exposing my preemie to a room full of sick kids who are parented by people who find it appropriate to eat in a doctor's waiting room. Maybe it's just me.

Anyway, that's the story. Sorry it's so long, but I did not want to drag it out.... just wanted to get it over with.

Tomorrow's topic: My Thoughts on a *Sick* Baby

Ukulele, Part III

. . . . .

"Let's go. She's waiting for you."

The nurse came to the washroom door and opened it for us. GatorMan and I walked through, and she instructed us to wash our hands every time we entered and exited. She said when we were finished we could come down the hall and she would take us to our daughter.

As soon as she walked out of the room, I put my arms on the washbasin, my head in my arms, and I sobbed. I sobbed and sobbed like I never had before. GatorMan rubbed my back and told me to get it together so we could go in. We washed up and walked in. As we walked around the corner, the nurse was standing there and took us to the most beautiful baby I had ever seen.

And I cried.

This would be the start of days and days of tears. But not tears of anger and frustration that I was so used to from infertility and jealousy, but tears of the greatest joy I had ever felt. The joy I felt meeting GatorMan and then marrying him was absolutely fantastic, similar to meeting Ukulele. But meeting Ukulele was a somewhat different joy - the joy of a mother - and one I cannot compare to anything else.

The nurse came over and put the oh-so-priceless bracelet on my wrist. The bracelet that granted us access to our child 24-hours a day.

The rest of that night is a complete blur. Two things stick out, however. One, that I was the first one that got to feed her. Having her in my arms, lying against my chest, and relying on me to take her hunger away.

Second, not such a pleasant memory. We asked what her birth measurements were, and the nurse kind of paused, and then said she could not tell us. We were sitting there holding our child, but were not able to know how much she weighed. The irony was miraculous. The nurse explained that until the elusive social worker reviewed our information, we could not be told the medical information on Ukulele. This was quite disconcerting on a quite a few levels, one of which included the fact that we were the legal guardians of her at her birth. If there had been a medical emergency, we were supposed to be the ones to make the decision. However, do you really think they would have consulted with us being that they would not even tell us how much she weighed?

There were so many things that happened with this particular hospital and its bureaucracy which made it clear that adoptions were not their concern, nor their priority. There are two major hospitals in the town where we live, and the other one is the "good" one.

I'll try to sum up tomorrow what happened with everything else. There is just so much to write about - all of the joy we experienced, and a lot of the frustration as well. Something that should have been so absolutely beautiful kept getting overshadowed by the incompetents of the hospital. Try as we may to remember only the good things, we keep realizing every day things that should have happened (pediatrician assignment, birth pictures, hearing test, shots) did not happen as they should have because of our circumstances. The hospital made us feel no less than the red-headed-step-child. Complaints have already been filed against the hospital administration (by our attorney), and against the social worker on call the night Ukulele was born (by the full-time social worker who came in the next day). GatorMan and I are also writing our complaint to the Board of Directors for the hospital to give our firsthand account on how things need to change.

In the end, this red-headed-step-child got the best gift of all - the perfect baby. Hopefully our experience will make the road a little easier for those who travel it after us.

And one more thing.... we are not-so-patiently waiting for December 30. That is the day the revocation period expires.

Ukulele, Part II

. . . . .

"Get to the hospital now. She's delivering in 45 minutes!"

We turned and got back in to the car. One of the first thoughts through my mind was: "I'm going to meet my daughter wearing THIS?" (I was wearing sweatpants, a bar t-shirt, and a hoodie.) GatorMan, on the other hand, seemed lost in his thoughts. It felt like the car was only going 5 mph. We finally made it to the hospital after what felt like 3 hours (in actuality we got there in about 15 minutes).

We were to meet the Attorney's Assistant at the chapel since we obviously could not go up to the maternity ward. Well, the chapel was locked, with a sign on the door that read "For entrance, dial zero for security." We looked everywhere for a phone to "dial zero for security" but I swear there was no phone within walking distance of that chapel door.

Assistant found us sitting there, waiting anxiously. We decided to go to the cafeteria to wait it out. When we got to the cafeteria, there was some sort of hospital party going on, so we were denied entrance. Some adminstrative-type heard our story, took pity, and showed us to the 24-day surgery room that had just been completed the night before. So we went there to hang out. And hang out. Oh, and we hung out some more. The "delivering in 45 minutes" turned in to about 4 hours because of one emergency c-section after another.

Then we got the call. A very healthy little girl.

Attorney told us to go to the special care nursery, and she would meet us there. When we get there, no one is around. However, another mystic note saying "Dial 1234 for Nurse and Admittance." So we dialed. However, no admittance. Denied. We were not the birthparents.

And it did not matter that we had guardianship at that point of the unborn child, which converted to temporary guardianship of the born child.

And it did not matter that I was on the verge of hysterical tears and GatorMan was on the verge of breaking through the door.

The social worker on call would have to give her blessing before we could go in. There was a mere washroom and two glass windows between us and our daughter. In the upper corner of the waiting room I could see the security camera - and I glared into it hoping the gatekeepers were watching me. I strummed my fingers, glared, and GatorMan paced. The elusive social worker could not be reached.

Attorney arrived and was appropriately pissed off. She left for a few minutes while GatorMan answered nature's call. I glared at the security camera, knowing that my daughter was on the other side somewhere, scared, being poked, prodded, and wondering what was happening to her. And we were not there to comfort like they should be. Why? Because we needed the blessing of some damned social worker who refused to answer her phone.

Attorney showed back up and indicated that she was told if the social worker did not return in 5 minutes, the director of the hospital would be called. I watched the seconds tick by on the clock. GatorMan returned. At the same time, Attorney showed me a picture of my daughter on her cell phone (she was there when the baby was delivered). I had never seen a baby so beautiful. As I stared at her picture, Attorney handed me a stuffed animal that Juno wanted Ukulele to have. It was Juno's favorite, and will surely be Ukulele's favorite.

I pointed out to Attorney that ten minutes had passed, and we were still sitting in the waiting area. She marched to wherever she went, and we sat. And waited. And then she came back. She said:

"Let's go. She's waiting for you."

more tomorrow......

Ukulele, Part I

I stated a couple of days ago that I would let you all know what happened with the hospital, administrators, etc, regarding Ukulele and our status as adoptive parents. I decided to tell the story in parts instead of spewing it all out at once.

So, here we go:

On December 16, our attorney calls and says that we need to go over to her house that night to fill out some paperwork. When we get there, she states

"We really just brought you over here to ask you what you wanted for Christmas."

I responded, "A baby."

She says, "Okay."

I know our jaws had to have dropped to the floor. If you have been following our story, you know that Ukulele was not due until the middle of January.

Attorney tells us that Juno's doctor appointment revealed that she was borderline preeclampsia (I misheard her that night and thought she said Juno was preeclamptic... hence the post to that effect. After the last week, I have gotten verification on a number of things!). Attorney said Juno's doctor may be admitting her to the hospital after he gets the results from her blood tests.

We fill out some of the paperwork that night, and go over birthplans, etc. We left that night incredibly excited, but painfully aware that we were not prepared - even though we thought we were.

The next day, our Attorney sends a text message after Juno's appointment indicating that the doctor was admitting Juno to the hospital because of her protein levels. They wanted to be able to keep an eye on her. The message also said "no action tonight" meaning that nothing would be occurring. After work GatorMan and I head to Wally World to get necessities so we can do a thorough job cleaning the house prior to Ukulele's arrival - whenever that would be.

As we were walking in to the store, my phone rings. It's the Attorney. She says "Get to the hospital now. She's delivering in 45 minutes!"

To be continued tomorrow.....

Christmas Wish of Nephews

Sister and I debated whether or not to tell my nephews about Ukulele until the 10 day revocation period had passed. They are 7 and 9, and we wondered if they would understand the whole process.

Well, my sister gave it a shot on Thursday. She started the conversation by asking them if they knew what adoption meant. My 7-year-old nephew raised his hand (such the student!) and said what he thought. The 9-year-old added his information. They were correct in the sense of what they have been exposed to. They both have friends who were adopted.

So Sister explains to them that I am at the hospital. That caused a little shock... until she explained the difference of "in the hopsital" versus "at the hospital." Then she explained our situation with Juno (in terms they would understand). Both of them were extremely excited about Ukulele and could not wait to meet her.

And then.... (this is where my eyes start stinging with tears).... they announce that this year they want to ask Santa for something special:

They are asking Santa to let me keep my baby.

Children are amazing.

Wow. Just Wow!

Where do I start when I attempt to describe my feeling over the last couple of days??? Ukulele is here.... and I am in awe, shock, wonder, and most of all, I'm in love.

She arrived at 9:44 p.m. on Wednesday, December 17. She weighted 5 lbs 11 oz, and was 19 3/4 inches long. Not bad measurements for a preemie! (She was 4 weeks early.) She has a head of dark hair, and large dark blue eyes (for now). And her lips? Well, Ms. Jo.lie may be paying her plastic surgeon a visit for an upgrade!

Firstmom is doing great and should be going home tomorrow. I'm hoping that she is not in too much pain since Ukulele needed to arrive by c-section.

The surrender was signed last night, so by December 30 we should be good. GatorMan and I, however, are the legal guardians for her, so even if the surrender is revoked we'll retain custody until the guardianship is terminated. I honestly do not see Firstmom revoking her surrender though. She was very positive during the surrender signing and excited that Ukulele was with us.

Ukulele got to come home with us this morning! We were so happy to break her out of jail and drive away. And having her here now is just fantastic..... although... I have not gotten through the first night yet....

I am now at the point where many of our blogging friends have found themselves, or hope to find themselves - how do I handle this blog? It's titled WAITING for the Ukulele.... and now she's here. So this is what I have decided to do. I am going to keep this open as an adoption blog and only talk about that aspect. I have so much to tell all of you regarding how we were treated by the hospital, doctors, and even some of the nursing staff. Put it this way - being a red-headed-step-child would have been a trip to Disney World. Seriously. I'll save it all for future posts... but the hospital board should be expecting quite the letter from us and our attorney.

Anyway, I am going keep writing about what it is like to maneuver around the biases that we already found to exist regarding adoption. I'm hoping most of it is going to be very positive and that the worst of it is now behind us. I'm sure mom-stuff is going to sneak in. Despite that, I hope you all keep reading.

Oh, one more thing. I'm going to be creating a separate blog that I am going to post pictures on for family and friends - but it will be password protected. When I get it created, I'll let you all know what the address is and offer the opportunity to get the password. And for those of you wanting a sneak peak a little early..... Enjoy!

What Is This?

Can you guess what this picture is of? I'll give you a hint.... it allows the wearer into secure areas....

SHE'S HERE! OUR UKULELE IS HERE! She joined us last night around 9:45 p.m. eastern.

We became Ukulele's legal guardians today, and tomorrow Juno signs the surrender papers....

I'll post more about Ukulele when we get her home. And if I can find a way to password protect a post, I'll get some pictures in as well. Trust me though, she's beautiful!

Heart's Racing

We went to the attorney's house tonight to complete some paperwork and answer some remaining questions.

We're getting close. So very very close.

So close that we will probably need to add another stocking on the fireplace for Santa.

My heart is racing.....

Getting Ready

Today was fairly busy, and definitely surreal. A good friend of mine took me shopping to help me get "provisions" for Ukulele. I bought bottles, medicines, formula, diapers, wipes, pacifiers.... so much stuff for such a little lady! My friend also gave me some clothes and blankets.

So when I got home, I boiled bottles and pacifiers, washed clothes and blankets in baby-friendly detergent, and cleaned out space in my closet. Ukulele is not even here yet, and she's already taking over her mama's closet!

Speaking of the closet, there are two little dresses in there, just waiting for her precious little self. GatorMan bought his daughter her first two dresses - with matching cardigans. He can't have his little girl showing too much skin! They are just so darned adorable (GatorMan and the dresses!!!)!

I wrote my birth mother letter. But I am actually calling it a "First Mother" letter. Juno will always be Ukulele's "First Mother," and I made sure to address that in the letter. In some respects it was easier to write that I had imagined. Like many of you suggested, I just wrote from my heart. Don't get me wrong, though, it was still difficult - just easier than I anticipated. I'm going to hand-write it tomorrow. I do not think that typing it is personal enough. AND - I get to start crossing off one of my "to-do" things on my List of Thirty-Eight. I love that Juno will be receiving my first letter off of my list. I'm hoping she gets to receive many more throughout the year as Ukulele gets bigger.

No other updates on Juno's preeclampsia. I am guessing if it was really bad, the doctor would have kept her in the hospital. We will hopefully know more this coming week.

I've Been Tagged!

BabySmiling tagged me!

The rules are:
1. Link to the person who tagged you.
2. Share 7 random and/or weird facts about you.
3. Tag 7 random people at the end, and include links to their blogs.

BabySmiling tagged me because she said it's "now or never" since Ukulele may be here soon! So, here goes.....

1. I really enjoy condiment sandwiches. I take white bread (or hot dog buns) and put ketchup and mustard on it. I love them. They taste even better if the bread is warm.

2. If I laugh too hard, and I mean REALLY hard, I snort.

3. I sometimes practice my Oscar acceptance speech in the bathroom mirror.

4. I sing songs to my dog and cat - but I change the lyrics so they apply to the animal I am singing to. This occurs numerous times per day.

5. I have an insane fear of heights, but love roller coasters.

6. I am really good with power tools and fixing things around the house.... like replacing ceiling fans, light fixtures, faucets, etc.

7. I legally changed my name to the nickname I had since second grade. My legal name does not include my first name I was given when I was born. However, do not tell my grandmother.... she picked my name for me. It would break her heart if she knew. But, I never looked like - nor felt like - my first name. In second grade I received a nickname, and it stuck. Now it's legal.


Now you're it!

HeavyHeart - I owe her a tag-back, and, she is just so sweet - I'd like to know something quirky about her!
Elle - I love her sports analogies, and I bet she has some good stories.
Barren - I'm new to following her blog, and she cracks me up.
Melanie - she is a fellow attorney, and I know attorneys are funny people.
Barrenness - because the bridge in her blog picture is one of my favorite bridges.
Heather - I always enjoy reading whatever she writes.
Will - because I'm still laughing about the rocket ship post.

Six weeks? MAYBE NOT!

Juno may have preeclampsia.

Do you know what that means?

Possible early baby. As exciting as that may be, I am now very concerned for Juno's health and Ukulele's health. Juno's doc is keeping an eye on her and Ukulele, and she is going to have a blood test next week to verify preeclampsia (although is it "pre" if she is over 32 weeks now? I'll have to wiki that one....). If she is, a c-section will be scheduled.

Intermediary thinks we may have a Christmas baby. Juno had a check-up today, and Ukulele looks fantastic! She's "breathing" in womb, her measurements are great, she's developing as scheduled.... and I am just so damned excited I can barely focus!!!!!

The longer she "cooks" the better - but we are just so excited to meet her!!!

Need Help - and.... Juno Update!

Need Help:

Does anyone have a resource, or ideas, or any guidance whatsoever, on how to write a thank-you letter (or something of the sort) to Juno? We are not sure if we should write a letter to to her for giving us what biology has deprived us, or what we should do. Even this post is all over the place... not sure what we are supposed to do in this situation. We feel like we should be doing something for her, but with a private and closed adoption, we do not know what is appropriate. When we search the all-knowing internet(s), all we come up with are examples of birth-mother letters... not the "thank you for our family" letters we want to view.

Please let us know how to handle this situation, or at least give us some direction.... we'd really appreciate it!

Juno Update:

THIRTY-FOUR WEEKS! EEEEEP! Ukulele is weighing in at a hefty 5 1/2 pounds.... projected weight at delivery: da da daaaaaaaaa.... 9 POUNDS! Juno is doing great, right where she should be as far as gaining weight. I am told she has some back pain, but is doing very well. She is still very much on board with the adoption, and in fact is talking to Ukulele about how lucky and spoiled she is going to be with her new family! (pitter pat pitter pat our happy little hearts!) We have decided that Ukulele's outfit for her first baby picture will be the tie-dye onesie that Juno wants to make for her. I hope we get it before she arrives. It would mean so much to us - and hopefully Juno - that her first picture is taken in an outfit her birthmother made for her.

WE ARE GETTING SO CLOSE! The doctor thinks that she'll deliver early.... AAAHHHHH! Words cannot explain how excited we are! She has an appointment on Thursday for another ultrasound to take more intense measurements and hopefully get a better idea on a projected due date.

Guess we need to get that pack-n-play set up! Also better figure out how to install the car seat....

:)

p.s. Thanks for all the kind words on my attempt at mar.tha-stew.art-ism....

Show and Tell

This is my first Show and Tell....



What I am showing is the baby quilt I just finished this afternoon. I could not locate the nursery bedding I wanted, so I am attempting to make it all myself. This is the first piece:



The inside piece is Tiffany blue; the outside band is chocolate; the backing is a pattern of both colors on a
khaki background.









Here is a picture taken a little bit closer.







I'll hopefully be able to get the crib skirt and bumper done next weekend. Ukulele only has 6 more weeks to "cook" so I need to get a move-on!

Click HERE to see what everyone else brought to class!

Bipolar Crazy Woman

Remember FertileMyrtle? Well she and her husband just came by my house. Why you ask? Let me tell you. They brought over a ton of baby stuff for me and GatorMan for Ukulele to use until the revocation period passes.

WAIT! I know what you are thinking.... how do they know about Ukulele? Answer: they guessed. Our intermediary hangs out with our group of friends, and Intermediary has asked Dr. FertileMyrtle a number of questions.... and my crazy ass behavior.... well, they put it together. She came in my office the other day and talked to me about it. Now she and another friend in-the-know are planning a shower for us after the revocation period passes.

Anyway, they came by today. The brought their car seat, moses basket, play things, bibs, bottles (new ones for us to keep), books, booties.... all sorts of stuff. She understood that GatorMan and I did not want to have to buy things in case someting goes south. So they offered up their things. And now those things are in my house. Her baby is due in the middle of February, so that will give us plenty of time to buy what we need after the revocation period passes and before her baby arrives.

While they were here, and she is handing thing after thing to me, I start crying. For a myriad of reasons. One, it's very overwhelming, this whole baby thing. Two, I'm afraid to have this stuff in the house in case something doesn't work out. Three, because I have been such bitch where her pregnancy is concerned and now she is being nothing but kind to me. Four, I'm an emotional mess right now for no good reason. AF just checked out about two days ago, so I cannot blame it on her. I think it just boils down to me being stressed out about all of this.

And don't get me started on the Realtor.... that's a whole 'nother post for a whole 'nother day.

Signed, The Bipolar Crazy Woman

p.s. Happy Birthday, Mom!

I Has Her-Biss!

Dr. Needle gave me herbs (her-biss) today. After consulting with Dr. Go.ogle, here is a description of my new snacks:

It can replenish blood to nourish heart, and tonify qi to invigorate the spleen. Be applicable for (1) amnesia, insomnia, palpitation, severe palpitation, night sweating due to asthenic heat, tiredness, poor appetite, sallow complexion, pale tongue, and thin and slow pulse due to deficiency of qi and blood, and impairment of the heart and spleen by overstrain caused by excessive contemplation, and simultaneous insufficiency of the heart and spleen; and (2) bloody stool, women metrorrhagia, preceded menorrhea, profuse menstruation with pale menorrhea, or leukorrhagia, or dripping menstruation caused by splenic failure to control blood.

When finished, I shall have be able to remember (without too much contemplation) that my tonified spleen has been invigorated and can therefore control any dripping blood. I should be able to discuss it without the embarassment of a pale tongue and sallow complexion. Additionally, I should be able to sleep through the night without sweating all over GatorMan. Finally, it should help with depression (PLUS!) and appetite (negative....).

Joking aside, I am looking forward to taking these herbs. I start tonight, so we'll see how it goes!

List Updates

I've been marking through some of my "List of Thirty-Eight" items. I tried mushrooms a couple of weeks back, so that one is gone (still not a fan). I've read four books so far... well, almost five. I'm not going to count "Mid.night Su.n" as a complete book since it is just a draft - although at 264 page draft. I also did an order on one of my five oldest pending cases. For all of those successes for far, I have some failures:

I have not drank (drunk? I always confuse the proper usage on this word...) 48 ounces of water each day. Not even close. I'm making a valiant effort to drink some water each day - - but I've only hit the 48 oz mark a few times since November 17. Also, I have not walked Matthew every day. Twice a week he goes to doggy-day-care, so I do not count those days since he is so exhausted when he returns. And the whole making-the-bed thing... does it count if I pull the blankets up to the pillows every morning? I was doing so good with it for the first week, then I got lazy. Ah, well, worse things could happen I suppose. Looks like those three items are going on my List of Thirty-Nine!

Ok, off to bed. I'm tired. G'Nite all.

Random Thoughts

(1) I hate blog.ger... or vis.ta.... I don't know which one did it. This is the second time I am writing this because I highlighted too much and my entire post disappeared. And I could not figure out how to retrieve it.

(2) GatorMan's team - Jacksonville Jaguars - is on right now for Monday Night Football. Yay! Love the NFL! (However, we are a house divided.... I'm a Cowboys fan.)

(3) I bought a sewing machine this past weekend. Not a high-end type of sewing machine, but the type of machine that says "I can sew a curtain." I got it so (sew!) I can make Ukulele's nursery bedding. I have not been able to find what I want, so I got two different patterns (each had something I wanted) and I am going to make it. Well, at least attempt to make it. I have not used a pattern since 8th grade home ec. Do they even teach home ec anymore? Anyway, here is the material I am using:


In case the colors are not coming across correctly, I am using chocolate brown, Tiffany blue, and a pattern that has both colors included. Still no nursery, but no reason not to be prepared on this side.

(4) AF showed up this afternoon. This is day 26. Last month was day 25. Does this mean Dr. Needle is effective? Not necessarily. My cycles for the last two years have fluctuated anywhere between 24 days to 27 days. I'd like to see a couple of consecutive 28 day cycles before I become a huge believer. Although, I think he may be putting me on herbs this week. (Or, as GatorMan calls them: her-biss.)

(5) We bought a Pack.n.Play! We got the Gra.co Mel.bourne (shout out to my Australia readers!). Yes, I know it's blue and brown and probably intended for the male persuasion babies - but WHO CARES??!! It matched our color scheme and Con.sumer Rep.orts likes it. It is still sitting in our bedroom, in the box. I have not unpacked it yet because there is no room for it right now. (Due to my unfinished, rather "unstarted," laundry piles. I'll get on it. Tomorrow.)

(6) While I was buying the Pack.n.Play, I also picked up this adorable onesie. Who doesn't love a penguin?


The penguin currently lives in a bag in my closet. It's bad enough that Ukulele's play yard is staring me in the face every morning.

Okay, there's my update. I hope everyone had a relaxing weekend. We are on the downslope of 2008 (yay!). If you read GatorMan's post, you'll understand why we will not miss this particular year. Here's to hoping the remainder is joyous, prosperous, but mostly tolerable.

Done.

I have read 2,444 pages since approximately 11:00 p.m. (EST) on Novemer 25. My eyes are tired -- my mind is wired. Damn you, Ed.ward Cul.len! I have completed the "Twi.light" series and am sad.

My re-entrance into the general population can now commence.

*UPDATE*: I just found 264 more pages of her 5th book (from Edward's point-of-view *pitter-pat pitter-pat*) on her website.... YAY! So it looks like I'm not done (yet) after all!

* SECOND UPDATE*: Elle requested a series review, so I have put one in the comment section if you are interested in reading it.

The GatorMan Cometh

“My child, in life ahead of you, keep your capacity for faith and belief, but let your judgment watch what you believe. Keep your love of life, but throw away your fear of death. Life must be loved or it is lost... Keep your wonder at great and noble things, like sunlight and thunder, the rain and the stars, and the greatness of heroes. Keep your heart hungry for new knowledge. Keep your hatred of a lie, and keep your power of indignation... I am ashamed to leave you in an uncomfortable world, but someday it will be better. And when that day comes, you will thank God for the greatest blessing a man can receive: living in peace.”

- letter from a Yugoslav soldier in World War II to his unborn child

There are thoughts that strike your brain in life. Original, bolt from the blue type stuff that haunts your mind and hangs about your shoulders forever like either a mantle of greatness, or Coleridge's albatross. I remember one inky, humid central Florida night of too much wine and conversation alternating between work, theology and late nineties Gen X angst I said to a close friend “I hope that life brings me wisdom without bringing too much pain with it.”

One thing is for sure, the soldier quoted above, soon to die without meeting his child, never had to pray for wisdom. Like many of the 'greatest generation,' his mettle had been tempered and hardened in the forge of two world wars and a worldwide depression.

This has been a horrendous year for both of us. Both for reasons covered in this blog, and others unmentioned. A really, really stinky year. I'm looking forward to a much better 2009. Hell, I'm just looking forward to 2008 being over. I just hope it did its job... getting me a little closer to good Dad potential.

Part two of the worry that GreenEggsNHam often sees as I stare off into space is the world we'll raise a child in. Things are pretty bad. Without giving too much info, let's just say I am on the front lines of the financial part of the mess we find ourselves in. As bad as the media makes it sound, believe me, it has downside potential.

There you have it. Id, dukkha, theodicy, whatever name your frame of reference bestows upon it, I have exposed the glittering black insect of fear on the underbelly of my soul; will I be as good of a Dad as needed for the times we are in.

Sigh.

How dramatic.

Anyhow, here's what I know... Ukulele will have two parents who completely and totally dig each other. She'll be frequently embarrassed by random songs made up on the spot in honor of our house pets. She will have to endure us holding hands and many other forms of PDA. She'll have to tolerate the nightly flying of the housecat, and made up words, and LOTS of football. ...and she'll be the luckiest little girl on earth.

That's just my two cents... ignore it all, it could be the Benadryl talking.

Anticipated Absence.... ???

I had to do it. I couldn't wait any longer. I finally caved. I am hanging on to the bandwagon's bumper by my fingernails being dragged through the gravel....

I bought Twilight. And I am going to start reading it. Tonight.

So if I am gone from the blogging world for awhile... you know where to find me...

How to Announce?

On the drive home today, I was trying to decide how we are going to announce to the world (or at least our little corner of it) that we had become parents overnight. No one saw a pregnancy. No one was told about the adoption - by our choice. In fact, I've been telling everyone that we are going to start the adoption process full swing after the first of the year. And it's not really a lie, really, just kind of just a stretch of the truth. The actual *adoption* will start full swing in January... just not in the same way most people perceive *starting*....

Anyway, I get home, and it appears that Elle of Baby Bunts dreamt about a predicament like mine and she discussed it in her post today. She had a dream that they became parents through a surrogate and she did not know how she was going to explain to people how it happened. In her dream, they did not tell people that they were using a surrogate.... so two babies were going to be quite a surprise to everyone.

That's where we are.

Not two babies via a surrogate - just one through private adoption - but the same concern. No one outside of our immediate circle knows what is going on. In January, I am going to all of a sudden be "sick" for about two weeks, and then after that we are going to present our baby. (Now that I think of it, I might have to come up with another reason for being gone.... someone who is sick for two weeks ought to be admitted to a hospital.... anyway, I digress....) Although everyone will be happy for us, I am sure there are going to be hurt feelings from those who felt they should have been told prior to the rest of the world.

So my question to all of you who have adopted, did everyone know what was going on? Or did you keep it confidential until the revocation period was over? And when you did share your news, how did you do it?

Flu Shot???

I originally was not going to get a flu shot this winter. However, I recall the last time I had the flu. It was while GatorMan and I were just dating, and we had gone to visit his friends for New Years. I became horribly sick, and so did he. We ended up staying three days in a hotel room absolutely miserable. The next couple of years I got a flu shot. This year, however, I thought about skipping it. They hurt and make my arm sore.

I got to thinking about January, and Ukulele. And then I reflected on how horrible I felt years ago on New Years. I ended up getting the shot on Thursday after realizing that there was no way I would be able to adequately take care of a newborn if I got the flu.

This morning, however, I was very sick. No fever.... but still very sick. I still feel horrible. I'm hoping the flu shot did not give me the flu.

Revocation Period

I really wanted to wait until this evening to do my post, but I just finished reading Production, Not Reproduction's post on the waiting period - and I could no longer wait. First of all, if you are adopting, please go read her post, it is very insightful. Also read the comments, there are some very good ones.

Where we live, our revocation period is ten days from the date the revocation papers are signed. I know that will be the longest ten days of my life up to that point. Just typing this is making my heart race and my eyes sting with tears. You see, that ten-day-wait is the part that scares me the most. Although Ukulele has not been born yet, I already love her. And I have been trying SO HARD to not get attached to that baby because I know Juno can change her mind, and it would be her right to do that, to which we would have no recourse whatsoever. (I just now got up and closed my office door because I am crying thinking of that scenario.) A potential adoptive parent cannot help but become attached to the child that they hope to parent - and face it, before the revocation period ends, *hope to parent* is all we get to have. While the ten-day-wait will be wrought with anxiety, stress, and (most likely) worse-case-scenario nightmares -- it will also be filled with excitement, joy, love, and learning. It really is the proverbial double-edged sword. There is no way we - or any other adoptive parent(s) - would hold back even an ounce of love for that child on the fear that the child could be ripped from their arms (and their hearts) at any moment. But yet, as a *hope to* parent, how do you prepare for that child? How do you get through each day of the revocation period - relishing in every minute detail of your child from physical traits to emotional traits to even just the smell - without losing your mind in the "what if" abyss?

Okay, I need to stop focusing on that aspect.... although it is always the ugly dirtball in the back of my hope-filled mind....

We did get an update on Juno and Ukulele today. Nothing new! Which is fantastic news! We are still 100% a "go" and everyone is healthy.

Now, a practical question (because I refuse to believe the worst despite all I wrote above).... how do I keep Molly-cat out of Ukulele's crib once she is here? We are going to go ahead and get Ukulele some proper sleeping quarters (since she would most likely grow out of the dresser drawer in about a week) prior to her arrival. But that's it - nothing else is going to be bought. The reasoning is that we need to teach the cat to stay out of the crib. I have read that you can put double-sided tape on cardboard and stick that in the crib before the baby arrives. The cat will jump in, freak out on the tape, jump out, and then repeat the process until it learns that the crib is an undesirable place. If anyone else has any suggestions, we would really appreciate them!

My Bucket List

This has turned out to be a week of lists for me! Heavy Heart tagged me to do a bucket list of things I would like to do before I die. I'm not sure what the rules are, but she listed ten things, so I will as well.

My Bucket List
1. Publish novel.
2. Vacation in Napa Valley.
3. Tour Italy.
4. Learn French.
5. Help our (yet unborn) child(ren) understand and appreciate 80's music.
6. Perform in a major motion picture.
7. Have enough money to live very comfortably.
8. Own a house on the water.
9. Pay for our child(ren) to attend college.
10. Learn to like exercising.

I'm not sure how many people I am supposed to tag, so I am just going to pick three: Mo, Murgdan, and Erin.

(As a side note, no updates on Juno or Ukulele yet. I'm hoping for some tomorrow evening.....
Also, day one into my List of Thirty-Eight has started well - I made my bed this morning - yay me!!)

The List of Thirty-Eight

Happy Birthday to Me,
Happy Birthday to Me,
My Mom says I'm thirty--eight,
But my eggs think they're fifty-three.

Yes, today is my birthday. My thirty-eighth birthday. I remember in college when I thought thirty-eight was O.L.D. Speaking of college, I had a sorority sister who would receive roses every year on her birthday from her father. When she was eighteen, she received eighteen roses; on her nineteenth birthday, nineteen roses; and so on. He had done this for her from her very first birthday. I love the significance and tradition on that.

So, on this, my thirty-eighth birthday, I am starting my own personal tradition. Every year I will have a list of things I will accomplish before my next birthday. Because I am thirty-eight this year, I will have the List of Thirty-Eight. Next year will be the List of Thirty-Nine, etc. There really are no *rules* for the list except that I have to be able to personally accomplish the items.... I cannot rely on someone else to accomplish an item for me. The items have to be under my control. Also, they have to be able to be accomplished before the next birth date. As I accomplish each task, I will come back to this post and cross a line through that item. Some items may seem trivial, but they were important enough to me to put on my list. You have a criticism? Keep it to yourself and go make your own list!

So, with much fanfare, here it is (and in no particular order):

List of Thirty-Eight
1. Drink at least 48 ounces of water every day.
2. Lose 40 pounds. (Lost 12 so far...)
3. Go to my 20 year high school reunion.
4. Write 38 handwritten (i.e. snail-mail) letters to friends/family.
5. Get rid of 5 oldest cases on my pending-motions docket. (Cases remaining: 4 )
6. Go horseback riding.
7. Go roller-skating.
8. Move into house with at least 3 bedrooms and 2 baths.
9. Pay off car.
10. Complete three 5ks (running, not walking). (5ks completed: 0 )
11. Clean out file cabinet at home.
12. Read at least 26 books.*
13. Make bed every day.
14. Pay off Amex.
15. Fix hole in bedroom wall.
16. Resign from board.
17. Write at least 10 more chapters in my book.
18. Get a mammogram.
19. Get rid of at least 10 handbags.
20. Do a tryptic painting.
21. Clean out trunk of car.
22. Donate $$ to undergraduate school.
23. Donate $$ to law school.
24. Write in blog at least once per week.
25. Sand spot on living room wall.
26. Try mushrooms (again).
27. Return file to old firm.
28. Find church to regularly attend.
29. Visit grandmother.
30. Frame paintings in storage.
31. *(Private item for GatorMan) ;)
32. Convert Julius Jones jersey to current Cowboy player.
33. Walk Matty-Dog every day.
34. Be less catty.
35. Clean out file cabinet at work.
36. Do a vision board.
37. Make "The List of Thirty-Nine."
38. Become a mom.

There it is. If I do not complete an item, it will be added to next year's list. Number 38 is obviously the most important to me.... that's the one I'm really working on....

* Books read:
(1) Twi.light by Steph.enie Me.yer (11/26/2008)
(2) New Mo.on by Steph.enie Me.yer (11/27/2008)
(3) Eclipse by Steph.enie Me.yer (11/29/2008)
(4) Break.ing Dawn by Steph.enie Me.yer (11/30/2008)
Mid.night Sun (draft) by Steph.enie Me.yer (12/2/2008)
(5) The Attach.ment Parent.ing Book by Wil.liam Sea.rs, MD (12/11/2008)
(6) Dear Birth.mother by Sil.ber & Speed.lin (12/14/2008)

Whatever Stuff

Where did the last couple of days go? I just realized my last post was Thursday. I had a fairly busy day on Friday -- hair appointment in late afternoon (a girl's gotta keep her hair magnificently coiffed!). Now that I think about it, Friday wasn't busy at all... just lazy. Saturday, however, WAS busy. It was our turn to host the Wine Club, so GatorMan and I spent all day cleaning and shopping. Wine Club was a success and many (many many many) bottles of tasty wine were consumed. However, that was not enough, so a group of us went to sing karaoke and drink beer. Hence, nasty hangover this morning.

Now I'm sitting on the couch watching NFL and realizing that my fantasy team will yet again have a losing season. Oh well.

My project for this evening, however, is to finish my List of Thirty-Eight. "What is that?" you ask? Tomorrow I turn 38. Damn I'm getting old. To celebrate the occasion, I am making a list of 38 things I want to accomplish before I turn 39. I have 33 things so far... the last 5 are giving me a problem. Tomorrow I will post my list and the impetus behind it.

Until then, I'm going to drink my caffeine, ponder a pizza order, and eat more headache medicine.

Is that a fork in the road???

An update on Dr. Needle. GatorMan and I have been going to him now for about a month. Every week, on Wednesday, like clockwork. I'm not sure anything different is happening to my body - except the incredibly noticeable pubescent break-outs I've been experiencing. Not sure if Dr. Needle is monkey-ing with my hormones, or if I need to remember to wash my face more at night! But my last cycle was just like the 18 cycles before it.... no noticeable change. Dr. Needle says "wait anudda psycho" and then to reassure me he says: "free uvva woman get pregnant heo last yeo" and as he cups his hands together as if receiving a wafer at communion, he says "and day bwing utrasound pic tour". (For those that cannot understand my hooked-on-phonics version, here is what transpired: "Wait another cycle"; "three other women got pregnant here last year"; "and they bring their ultrasound pictures.") I'm hoping he only saw three fertility patients and three of them got knocked-up -- but not preferably IN his office, but through his acupuncture assistance! (You know what I mean....) Dr. Needle states it may take six months to see some changes with me. Who knows? Personally, I am enjoying laying there for half an hour and relaxing!

As for GatorMan, he says there has been a considerable change for him. Dr. Needle treats him with acupuncture and herbs. Although GatorMan will be mortified when he reads this - he says the amount he produces has increased. I'm just hoping those little swimmers are waking up and on the move!

For those who may be confused and wondering if we have gone from adopting to pursuing fertility treatments again, no need to check the blog heading... yes, we are still adopting. But do those who reach the fork in the road and choose the adoption path ever give up the hopes of conceiving a child as well? Mom of Tinkerbell and Chickadee put it best in her November 12 post. A big shout-out to her for discussing the dichotomy. GatorMan and I are not going to love Ukulele any less because she does not carry our DNA, nor would we love a biological child any more because they do carry our DNA. Perhaps it is human nature to wonder what your offspring would look like? And perhaps it is my human nature to know what it is like to be pregnant? I know we will be parents, I just do not know how it is going to happen. And in pursuit of that desire, GatorMan and I will try whatever we can.... even if it means splitting our car in half and driving down both sides of the fork-in-the-road simultaneously.

I'm Sorry I Was Mean

I need to apologize to someone who will most likely never read this blog. Tonight I was helping finish a set construction for a local theater company, and another girl was there helping me. Tonight was the first night I had ever met her. Early in our "meet" she asked if I had any children. I said no and moved the conversation quickly along.

Later the conversation turned to my age. It turns out she is only about 6 months older than I am. Not sure if she is married or not - I didn't ask. Anyway, I was not wearing my wedding ring (bad idea around power tools and paint), and she must have noticed. She asked if I was single, and I said no, I was married. Then she said "No kids?" I said no. She then asked "Why? You don't want them?" And what did I do? With my best lawyer/actress/bitch eyes, I stared straight down into her ~5'2" eyes (I'm 5'8") and said:

"We can't have children."

And I kept my gaze on her. I felt her get uncomfortable and I didn't care. I was fully aware of my stare upon her and I didn't care. I absolutely wanted her to feel uncomfortable, and at that moment, I didn't care.

Now I care.

She didn't know. She had just met me. It was a perfectly innocent question. And to top it off, she was not American and could barely speak english - I'm sure it was odd to her that I would be my age (almost 38), married, and childless.

I'm such a bitch. To my short-lived-set-constructing-friend:

I'm sorry I was mean.

A Guest Blogger is Bringing You the Following Post Compliments of The Great Blog Cross Pollinaion!

My husband is out of town, and so I am sitting at his desk -- because he took the good laptop with him, and also to keep the cat company. She spends most of the day curled in a ball on his desk.

She is sleeping, as she does most of the time. Usually she is totally silent, but occasionally she makes little murmurs in her sleep. Dreaming, I suppose. Adorable.

Now she is breathing more loudly, and it is also adorable. I could listen to it all day.

I love to watch her little torso move up and down with each breath.

It makes me wonder: Is this what it's like to watch a baby sleeping?

And my mind has turned something happy into something sad. Once again.

Thanks a lot, Mind. Or rather, thanks a lot, Infertility. Also, screw you.



Note from GreenEggsNHam:

So, think you know who the guest blogger is? Go to The Great Blog Cross Pollination page, and scan through the sans list.... these are your possible guest bloggers.

Now, list in the comment section on this page who you think the guest blogger is.

When you are finished, you can click HERE to find out the guest blogger's identity, and also to read my post for today!

HAVE FUN!

My Life is Good

Right now I am listening to GatorMan and his best friend play Mad.den in the other room. Such boys.... and I adore them. GatorMan's job is VERY stressful, so any (legal) outlet he finds to relieve his stress is fine by me. While they do boy things in the other room, I'm laying in the bed catching up on my blog reading, my dog is beside me, my cat is on the floor, I just took a long hot shower, and the ceiling fan is slowly blowing the air in the room. I love it.

GatorMan's best friend and his girlfriend are here this weekend. These are great people. It's nights like these that I realize how good my life really is. Nothing exceptional has happened, no big events, big expensive meals... none of that. And that is exactly why it is so perfect. Just good people, good conversation, and good feelings. It really is the simple things.

Juno Update

Just a quick update on Juno. She went in for her diabetes test and everything is fine! Weight is still good, and we are right on track!

I hate it when I sit here trying to figure out what to write. I wrote the above sentence about 3 minutes ago....

I read somewhere today that when you write a blog, people just want to read what is going on in your mind - it does not have to necessarily have to be witty. I want to be witty. I want people to keep coming back to read my blog. But then I think of the blogs that I like to read. Most are incredibly witty - but even when they are not, I still enjoy reading them and I look forward to catching up with what is going on with everyone.

So here is what is going on with me today: (1) I'm upset that I forgot to set my fantasty football line-up before the game tonight; (2) I laughed really hard with my students in class this evening; (3) I added a lot of pictures to my Facebook account; (4) I ate a really tasty dinner that GatorMan had waiting for me when I got home from class; (5) I successfully avoided going to the gym; (6) I caught up with three different friends that I have not talked to in a few days; (7) I did my cross-pollination post; (8) I commented on a few separate blogs; (9) I sang a song to my cat; (10) so the dog wouldn't feel left out, I sang him a song, too; and (11) I imagined what life would be like with Ukulele.

The Bitch is Back

And when I say "Bitch," I am not only referring to myself, but to the Bitch AF.

(1) I GET TO KEEP MY JOB! MyBoss won the re-election (very easily), so this bee-otch is back for another 4 years!!! (Spoiler alert: this is the one high-point of my post.)

(2) I am in. a. mood. And a really. bad. one. Queen-bitch level. I have this flex spending account that has a hefty balance in it that has to be spent by December 31. My acupuncturist does not take credit cards, so I have to pay by check, and then file a claim. My first claim was filed 2.5 weeks ago. I called to check on it today.... no claim on record there. So... while my personal account quickly dwindles in balance, Flex idiots get to keep the owed-to-me-money in their fat corporate accounts. I hate red tape. Oh, then there's more. Dry.Cl.ean.USA has filed bankruptcy... conveniently after ruining a suit beyond repair, accepting my claim, then ignoring my claim. I now have to file a claim in federal court.... in a Chapter 11 case... as an unsecured debt. Basically, in layman's terms, this means I'll be lucky to receive $5 for a very nice suit. I am SO pissed off. And why so angry at this crap? Read on to (3):

(3) AF showed up today. On day 26. Bitch. All the tiny little needles going in to me on a weekly basis did nothing this cycle. I was hoping she would hold off for another two days. Dr. Needle says "wait to next cycle to see if work" (in his Asian accent). Oh, but my mood is certainly like the AF cycles of yore....

(4) House crap. It was a done deal basically. Until OtherHouseWife freaked (after papers drawn and ready to be signed). She has a fear that "what-if" she loses her job? Will they have to move in to a one-bedroom home (ours that they are buying as a rental property) if she does lose her job? Welcome to my fu*#ing world - stay for a week in Casa-de-Mini. (I do have a little guilt about writing this last point... OtherHouseWife is a friend of mine.... NEVER mix business with friendship.)

I'm so over this infertility/adoption/childlessness/house/flex-spending/filing-claim shit.

I need a drink. NOW.