I am sure that all of us IF sufferers have gone through the anger/guilt spiral that includes the thought that "I am being punished for something. That is why I am not allowed to be a mom." Month after month of trying, test after test, shot after shot.... still no baby... still not a mom. It really did seem like *Someone* was trying to tell me something. If I was supposed to be a mom, wouldn't I be? How could those crackhead, baby-beating, non-job-holding, seemingly undeserving women be moms - and I cannot? What kind of system is being run "up there"?
This thought went through my head more times than was probably healthy: "I'm not supposed to be a mom - I'm not good enough."
And then Ukulele came to us. All too easily, actually, considering some of the obstacles that many adoptive parents face. The analytical lawyer in me asks: So what's the catch?
There are two schools of thought on this:
(1) She was meant to be with us. She is God's gift, and we were supposed to wait for her.
(2) There is a catch. It wasn't supposed to happen. I'm still not supposed to be a mom.
Sadly, School Two got the better of me the other night. Ukulele is my first child, so I'm kind of lost in the whole what's-happening-with-my-preemie-newborn thing. We've already called the nurse hotline twice and she's only been home for one week.
(Apologies for the following grossness...)
You see, Ukulele likes to puke up her formula, and then aspirate it down her airway. This leads to the inevitable choking fit where her face turns beet-red, she doesn't seem to breathe, and milk comes out of her nose. When she does catch her breath, she coughs up lots of milk mixed with mucus. Then a sneezing fit.
This has happened three times.
Twice we have called the nurse hotline about her little shenanigans, and twice we have been informed that it is all completely normal. We know how to clear her airways and her nose with the little bulb-thingy. And we now know the sneezing is normal as well. The doctor has even called me personally to calm me down and assure me that I'm doing everything right and this will pass.
But it freaks the hell out of us.
So what goes through my head as I try to fall asleep the other night (and Ukulele grunts next to me)?
I'm not supposed to have her.
If something happens to her, it is God saying "See, I tried to tell you. If you were meant to have kids, I would have helped you. Sorry, there was a mix-up in the baby-assignment section, and your Ukulele was supposed to go to someone else."
I know deep-down that the real answer is School One - this little girl was meant to be in our family. No doubt about it. But every time she hiccups, catches her breath, or even makes a new sound - I rush to her side to make sure she's okay. I move her a little to get a twitch out of her if I cannot see her breathing. And I look at her with tears in my eyes because I cannot believe she is actually here and I am so afraid I am going to royally screw it up somehow.
I just signed up for a lifetime of the most incredible worry I will ever experience in my entire life. And I'm afraid that every time she gets sick, all the "you're-not-good-enough" thoughts will come flooding back through.
Welcome to IF mommyhood. But despite all that....
I wouldn't change it for the world.
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12 comments:
FWIW many non-IF moms also are filled with doubt and self-blame when their babies are sick. Your bad feelings just get to have a different flavor.
I don't have to tell you but will anyway that she was meant to be your Ukulele and you were meant to be her mommy, and that you are already doing an amazing job.
Two more days until 12/30!
Yes, you were definitely meant to be ukulele's mom. The way you fought for her in the hospital already shows that. Enjoy your IF-mommyhood!
You are meant to be her mom. The worry is a sign of that - not a sign that you shouldn't be. That worry is all encompassing and from what my own mom has told me, never goes away.
The fear, the worry, wouldn't be so strong if you didn't love her so much.
I think there is a third school of thought. She was meant for you and you for her, but you will face what all new parents face - that feeling that you do not deserve the bundle in your arms, regardless of the fact that you, far more than most, do deserve it.
As you said, most new parents don't have the baggage of IF in addition to the baggage of being new parents. Yours is a special journey in that respect. But, while it makes the moments when you are scared and frightened that much more intense, they also make the moments of pure love that much more pure.
You have enough on your plate to also worry about whether the universe is trying to send you a message. I think it has already sent you one: Ukulele. Hold her tight, and over time, I think you will see what we all see already - you deserve this, unquestionably.
She is your daughter - without question. She is also going to be your sole source of concern and worry for the next...forever years.
I cannot count the night I laid away after Bear was born - convinced she has just stopped breathing in the ten seconds since I had just checked her.
I am not an IF mom, I am a DBM. Same emotions, same fears, same worries.
Welcome to that club and ENJOY having a little one to worry about!!
She is very much meant to be yours. You are doing the best you can, don't beat yourself up. Enjoy the tiny moments because she will be grown before you know it.
Oh how hard. I hope feeding times get better soon. I think maybe we are harder on our selves than the average mom. We waited and tried and beat our heads against the wall...we just want to do things right and be that perfect mom, and then there is so much room for self doubt. This is the best time: Falling in love with your child. And just when you think you could not love someone more, another day passes. Mrs. X was so right. Thinking of you and wishing the next two days go quick.
-Crystal
Congratulations on the birth of YOUR daughter! I'm sorry she is having trouble with feeding, but it will get better. You're doing fine!
You are doing an awesome job with your meant-for-you baby. Just the level of your concern for her shows that you have such amazing love for her, and that alone makes her one of the luckiest babies in the world.
I just read your account of your hospital experience, and I am still steaming. What a bunch of incompetent, insensitive bureaucrats. I hope all those negative feelings are just memories now (but good for you for writing a strongly worded level while your memory was still fresh).
Hugs to you, GatorMan, and Ukulele.
Sigh, I'm not a mom yet but I know exactly how you feel about the evil "I'm not supposed to have this/am being punished" thoughts. Horrid horrid thoughts.
I think Ukelele is definitely meant for you. I also think you will feel 1000% better once the revocation period ends. Which is in...two days, yes???!!!
Counting along with you and Gatorman.
: ) Mo
Oh my goodness, I could have written this word-for-word, except for the preemie part of it. I feel/felt exactly the same way; I hypothesize that moms who have overcome IF, whether through treatment or through adoption, are more likely to obsess about safety/SIDS/germs, etc. because of what you're describing. Everytime we drive with Evie I have horrible visions of car accidents in which she dies and I am obsessive about car seat safety, double-checking the snugness of the LATCH on the car seat base, making sure her harness is on snugly enough, etc. I can't sleep unless I know that all SIDS-related sleeping conditions are completely eliminated, and even then I check her on the video monitor a few times during the night. It's gotten a lot better since she was born, but she's in the SIDS risk zone right now...I'm hoping when she's older I'll calm down a bit? Fat chance, right? If you figure out a way to relax, please let me know.
I agree with all the other comments whole heartily. I also wonder if she has any allergy to the formula she is on now? Just a thought.
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