Need Help - and.... Juno Update!

Need Help:

Does anyone have a resource, or ideas, or any guidance whatsoever, on how to write a thank-you letter (or something of the sort) to Juno? We are not sure if we should write a letter to to her for giving us what biology has deprived us, or what we should do. Even this post is all over the place... not sure what we are supposed to do in this situation. We feel like we should be doing something for her, but with a private and closed adoption, we do not know what is appropriate. When we search the all-knowing internet(s), all we come up with are examples of birth-mother letters... not the "thank you for our family" letters we want to view.

Please let us know how to handle this situation, or at least give us some direction.... we'd really appreciate it!

Juno Update:

THIRTY-FOUR WEEKS! EEEEEP! Ukulele is weighing in at a hefty 5 1/2 pounds.... projected weight at delivery: da da daaaaaaaaa.... 9 POUNDS! Juno is doing great, right where she should be as far as gaining weight. I am told she has some back pain, but is doing very well. She is still very much on board with the adoption, and in fact is talking to Ukulele about how lucky and spoiled she is going to be with her new family! (pitter pat pitter pat our happy little hearts!) We have decided that Ukulele's outfit for her first baby picture will be the tie-dye onesie that Juno wants to make for her. I hope we get it before she arrives. It would mean so much to us - and hopefully Juno - that her first picture is taken in an outfit her birthmother made for her.

WE ARE GETTING SO CLOSE! The doctor thinks that she'll deliver early.... AAAHHHHH! Words cannot explain how excited we are! She has an appointment on Thursday for another ultrasound to take more intense measurements and hopefully get a better idea on a projected due date.

Guess we need to get that pack-n-play set up! Also better figure out how to install the car seat....

:)

p.s. Thanks for all the kind words on my attempt at mar.tha-stew.art-ism....

Revocation Period

I really wanted to wait until this evening to do my post, but I just finished reading Production, Not Reproduction's post on the waiting period - and I could no longer wait. First of all, if you are adopting, please go read her post, it is very insightful. Also read the comments, there are some very good ones.

Where we live, our revocation period is ten days from the date the revocation papers are signed. I know that will be the longest ten days of my life up to that point. Just typing this is making my heart race and my eyes sting with tears. You see, that ten-day-wait is the part that scares me the most. Although Ukulele has not been born yet, I already love her. And I have been trying SO HARD to not get attached to that baby because I know Juno can change her mind, and it would be her right to do that, to which we would have no recourse whatsoever. (I just now got up and closed my office door because I am crying thinking of that scenario.) A potential adoptive parent cannot help but become attached to the child that they hope to parent - and face it, before the revocation period ends, *hope to parent* is all we get to have. While the ten-day-wait will be wrought with anxiety, stress, and (most likely) worse-case-scenario nightmares -- it will also be filled with excitement, joy, love, and learning. It really is the proverbial double-edged sword. There is no way we - or any other adoptive parent(s) - would hold back even an ounce of love for that child on the fear that the child could be ripped from their arms (and their hearts) at any moment. But yet, as a *hope to* parent, how do you prepare for that child? How do you get through each day of the revocation period - relishing in every minute detail of your child from physical traits to emotional traits to even just the smell - without losing your mind in the "what if" abyss?

Okay, I need to stop focusing on that aspect.... although it is always the ugly dirtball in the back of my hope-filled mind....

We did get an update on Juno and Ukulele today. Nothing new! Which is fantastic news! We are still 100% a "go" and everyone is healthy.

Now, a practical question (because I refuse to believe the worst despite all I wrote above).... how do I keep Molly-cat out of Ukulele's crib once she is here? We are going to go ahead and get Ukulele some proper sleeping quarters (since she would most likely grow out of the dresser drawer in about a week) prior to her arrival. But that's it - nothing else is going to be bought. The reasoning is that we need to teach the cat to stay out of the crib. I have read that you can put double-sided tape on cardboard and stick that in the crib before the baby arrives. The cat will jump in, freak out on the tape, jump out, and then repeat the process until it learns that the crib is an undesirable place. If anyone else has any suggestions, we would really appreciate them!

My Bucket List

This has turned out to be a week of lists for me! Heavy Heart tagged me to do a bucket list of things I would like to do before I die. I'm not sure what the rules are, but she listed ten things, so I will as well.

My Bucket List
1. Publish novel.
2. Vacation in Napa Valley.
3. Tour Italy.
4. Learn French.
5. Help our (yet unborn) child(ren) understand and appreciate 80's music.
6. Perform in a major motion picture.
7. Have enough money to live very comfortably.
8. Own a house on the water.
9. Pay for our child(ren) to attend college.
10. Learn to like exercising.

I'm not sure how many people I am supposed to tag, so I am just going to pick three: Mo, Murgdan, and Erin.

(As a side note, no updates on Juno or Ukulele yet. I'm hoping for some tomorrow evening.....
Also, day one into my List of Thirty-Eight has started well - I made my bed this morning - yay me!!)

Is that a fork in the road???

An update on Dr. Needle. GatorMan and I have been going to him now for about a month. Every week, on Wednesday, like clockwork. I'm not sure anything different is happening to my body - except the incredibly noticeable pubescent break-outs I've been experiencing. Not sure if Dr. Needle is monkey-ing with my hormones, or if I need to remember to wash my face more at night! But my last cycle was just like the 18 cycles before it.... no noticeable change. Dr. Needle says "wait anudda psycho" and then to reassure me he says: "free uvva woman get pregnant heo last yeo" and as he cups his hands together as if receiving a wafer at communion, he says "and day bwing utrasound pic tour". (For those that cannot understand my hooked-on-phonics version, here is what transpired: "Wait another cycle"; "three other women got pregnant here last year"; "and they bring their ultrasound pictures.") I'm hoping he only saw three fertility patients and three of them got knocked-up -- but not preferably IN his office, but through his acupuncture assistance! (You know what I mean....) Dr. Needle states it may take six months to see some changes with me. Who knows? Personally, I am enjoying laying there for half an hour and relaxing!

As for GatorMan, he says there has been a considerable change for him. Dr. Needle treats him with acupuncture and herbs. Although GatorMan will be mortified when he reads this - he says the amount he produces has increased. I'm just hoping those little swimmers are waking up and on the move!

For those who may be confused and wondering if we have gone from adopting to pursuing fertility treatments again, no need to check the blog heading... yes, we are still adopting. But do those who reach the fork in the road and choose the adoption path ever give up the hopes of conceiving a child as well? Mom of Tinkerbell and Chickadee put it best in her November 12 post. A big shout-out to her for discussing the dichotomy. GatorMan and I are not going to love Ukulele any less because she does not carry our DNA, nor would we love a biological child any more because they do carry our DNA. Perhaps it is human nature to wonder what your offspring would look like? And perhaps it is my human nature to know what it is like to be pregnant? I know we will be parents, I just do not know how it is going to happen. And in pursuit of that desire, GatorMan and I will try whatever we can.... even if it means splitting our car in half and driving down both sides of the fork-in-the-road simultaneously.

The Bitch is Back

And when I say "Bitch," I am not only referring to myself, but to the Bitch AF.

(1) I GET TO KEEP MY JOB! MyBoss won the re-election (very easily), so this bee-otch is back for another 4 years!!! (Spoiler alert: this is the one high-point of my post.)

(2) I am in. a. mood. And a really. bad. one. Queen-bitch level. I have this flex spending account that has a hefty balance in it that has to be spent by December 31. My acupuncturist does not take credit cards, so I have to pay by check, and then file a claim. My first claim was filed 2.5 weeks ago. I called to check on it today.... no claim on record there. So... while my personal account quickly dwindles in balance, Flex idiots get to keep the owed-to-me-money in their fat corporate accounts. I hate red tape. Oh, then there's more. Dry.Cl.ean.USA has filed bankruptcy... conveniently after ruining a suit beyond repair, accepting my claim, then ignoring my claim. I now have to file a claim in federal court.... in a Chapter 11 case... as an unsecured debt. Basically, in layman's terms, this means I'll be lucky to receive $5 for a very nice suit. I am SO pissed off. And why so angry at this crap? Read on to (3):

(3) AF showed up today. On day 26. Bitch. All the tiny little needles going in to me on a weekly basis did nothing this cycle. I was hoping she would hold off for another two days. Dr. Needle says "wait to next cycle to see if work" (in his Asian accent). Oh, but my mood is certainly like the AF cycles of yore....

(4) House crap. It was a done deal basically. Until OtherHouseWife freaked (after papers drawn and ready to be signed). She has a fear that "what-if" she loses her job? Will they have to move in to a one-bedroom home (ours that they are buying as a rental property) if she does lose her job? Welcome to my fu*#ing world - stay for a week in Casa-de-Mini. (I do have a little guilt about writing this last point... OtherHouseWife is a friend of mine.... NEVER mix business with friendship.)

I'm so over this infertility/adoption/childlessness/house/flex-spending/filing-claim shit.

I need a drink. NOW.

Missing My Bloggers

GatorMan and I just returned from a "mini-break" to the mountains... which did not include (in the phrasology of those living in the mountains:) the "internets" (yes, plural). So the first thing I do when I walk in the door? Log on to the "internets" to get the updates on all of my fellow bloggers! I feel like I have been completely out-of-the-loop, and it is so good to be back in!

On the way to the mountains, I spoke with Intermediary's Husband again, and got the update on Juno and Ukulele. Everything looks fantastic, Ukulele is great, Juno is great.... and here's the best news: Juno is more positive about the adoption than she has ever been! Don't get me wrong, she's always been for it, but her attitude is taking a more "positive" turn. Think back to when you were 15 . . . . . I know I could barely decide what boy I liked more, much less make a decision that would impact so many lives all at once. I am hoping this positive attitude is the pre-adoption counseling she is going through.

House update: We may have one! We walked through a possibility on Wednesday right before we left and really liked it. Is it absolutely the 100% perfect house of our dreams? No. But we also realize that whatever house we get we will only be in for ~5 years or so. So.... this is a very good option for that time frame. GatorMan and I want to go through the house one more time before we sign any papers.

Overall, it's been a great week.... lots of relaxing, wine, fall leaves, cool air, and us-time. As much as I loved it all, I hope that it is the last chance we have for it before we become the family we desperately want to be!

Doctors and Daycare

Doctors:
There are a handful of highly recommended pediatricians in my town, and a plethora of "avoid-at-all-costs" pediatricians. I've got to line up a pediatrician for Ukulele so that doctor can be present immediately after the delivery. I've tried to contact the most recommended one, and here is a crude transcript (based on my recollection) of the conversation:

Dr. Office: Good morning, Dr.'s Office.
Me: Good morning. I've got a peculiar situation. I am expecting to adopt a baby in January, and Dr. has come highly recommended. Will he be accepting new patients at that time?
Dr. Office: Well, I'm not sure. Dr. is the one that makes that decision. Let me get some information from you and I will pass it on to him for him to call you. Hold on, let me get to that screen.... Okay. When is the due date?
Me: January ___. At least that is what I have been told.
Dr. Office: Do you know the OB/GYN?
Me: No, it is a closed adoption.
Dr. Office: Okay, um... (I hear her hitting keys on the computer and mumbling under her breath "okay, can't ask that one.... nope.... nope....")
Me: I can tell you who referred me.
Dr. Office: Great, let's do that.

I still have not heard from Dr. Office. I was so disappointed by that particular conversational exchange that I have not had the strength to go through it again. I cannot answer the particulars that they are going to want to know. All I can do is tell them that I will call them when the baby is born. How am I supposed to get a doctor prior to that time?


Daycare:
In the town where I live, it is very difficult to get good daycare. Most parents put their not-yet-born child on a waiting list for the "good" places. For example, a friend of mine started looking at daycare facilities when she was three months pregnant. Her son is now 9 months old, and he's still on the waiting list. That kind of nonsense makes it almost impossible for someone in my situation to get good daycare prior to pre-school. (And school, by the way, is a whole lotta similar.) Am I supposed to go to the daycare facilities that we are interested in and say "Hi, I'm GreenEggsNHam. My husband and I are adopting. We are not exactly sure when the baby will be born, or if the birthmother will change her mind. So, just as a precaution, can we please have a spot on your list just in case?" How the hell are we supposed to handle all this? Are we required to keep calling the daycare facilities moving our "entrance" date back and back until we adopt? With someone who gives birth, they have a fairly certain idea of when the baby will arrive, and therefore, when daycare will be needed. GatorMan and I are lucky that we know the due date for Ukulele, but there is no guarantee that it is all going to happen in accordance with "our" plan.


I would really appreciate any advice if any of you have had to maneuver through similar situations.

How We Got Here

I figured I'd add a post discussing how we got to where we are today. IF-wise, of course.

We got married in 2005 and discussed children right away. I was 35 when we married, GatorMan was 33. Neither of us had any children prior to meeting each other. We discussed adoption as something we definitely wanted to do - even if we had biological children. We decided to spend a year being married with just "us" and add children to the mix later. Our first month of official trying was in February 2007. My OB/GYN gave us six months to succeed - if no success, then to the RE we would go.

We met with our RE in August 2007. Because of my age (36, almost 37), the RE did an FSH test on me immediately. I've always been an overachiever - an my FSH complied. It was 15.7 the first go-round. The RE was hoping for about a 6 or 7. GatorMan was also tested, and where my scores were high, his were unfortunately low. So now the RE realized he was working with a double-whammy. We were told to keep trying, and keep track of my temperature, period days, all that business. A couple of months later, RE tested my FSH again - and this time I scored a 17. Not good. It was at this point RE told us to consider donor eggs. Still no drugs being administered. In November 2007, I had a test done to make sure my tubes were not blocked (I've blocked the name of that particular funride test). RE, who is male, said "Don't worry. It'll just be a mild cramp." Mild cramp my ass! I thought I was going to shoot right off that table and jump through the ceiling tiles. But in the end, the news was good - no blocked passageways.

With this piece of information, RE decided to put GatorMan on Clomid. (He determined that surgery was not necessary for GatorMan, thank goodness.) My FSH did not improve. RE again discussed donor eggs for us. I had a minor (okay, major) meltdown over that one. We were told we could share a donor with another couple and therefore cut the cost. Before that was to happen, RE wanted to try IUI. This is where the fun really started.

An appointment was made for me to learn how to give myself injections in the stomach. Probably not an issue for most, but I have this horrible fear of needles. I have been known to almost hyperventilate when blood was drawn, and I am a sure-bet for crying hysterically once the needle penetrates the skin. Now this joker (RE) wanted me to inflict that drama upon myself. Of course I started crying in the demonstration appointment and wondered how the hell I was going to be able to do it all. Because of my propensity for scoring high on the FSH test, RE prescribed the full amount of Follistim for me. Yay. That meant that the needle would be in my stomach even longer while I injected myself. Woo hoo.

The dreaded day came for my first injection. I had to teach that night, so I left my day job early so that I would have enough time to re-apply all the make-up and recover from the meltdown I was sure to have. As I was driving home, trying to gear up for what I had to do, I kept telling myself "I own this bitch." I marched in the door, took the meds out of the fridge, prepped the needle, wiped my stomach, and shoved the needle in. After the plunger was depressed, I left the needle in for the entire 5 seconds (as per directions). Talk about a mind game. Me, terrified of needles, staring at my own hand keeping a needle in my body on my own accord. Surprisingly, no tears. No drama. I think the whole pep-talk to myself on the way home did the trick. Although I never came to enjoy the whole injection thing, it did get easier each day. I'm not even going to discuss the whole booster-shot-in-the-ass fun. That never was fun.

From this fiasco, I developed two (almost three!) viable eggs. And that was going full-force on the meds. Not the result we wanted.

The day for the first IUI came. RE wanted to do another one the next morning, so we did. After the IUI was finished, RE said we were done. He was not going to do another one and waste our money. Because of my (less than) stellar performance and GatorMan's (less than) stellar reaction to Clomid, RE said he was cutting us off. He did not even want to discuss IVF because I would not be able to develop the eggs necessary to make it worthwhile. But, a donor egg was still an option (because RE could go through GatorMan's sperm and take the good ones and inject the eggs). GatorMan and I discussed this option, and decided that we would spend our money on adoption. So here we are.

Being told that you will never have your own biological child really plays with your mind. You have to go through a mourning process similar to losing a child (so I'm told, but will hopefully never experience). But it's the child you will not carry. I personally could not truly get over the donor-egg option. I was never totally on board with it for a myriad of reasons, all of which are purely vain. It still is incredibly painful to hear that a friend is pregnant, or see a pregnant woman on the street. Even more painful is when I read the stories of people who clearly have no reason being parents because of how they treat their children (keeping them in cages, throwing them out of windows, abusing them, and every other horrible thing one could imagine). I've yelled at God A LOT and still do not understand His choice. Whenever I read one of these stories, I remind Him of His stellar decisions, and make the comment that something made them better at parenting than me. (Unfortunately the sacrcasm does not come through in the writing of that statement quite like it does when I yell it through my tears in the car.) But if I hear another person say "Well, He has a plan" I think I'll punch them in the face. Of course He has a plan - it just doesn't include me experiencing what it would be like to give birth. Or how about this one: "There's a baby out there waiting for you." Really Sherlock? Because we're looking, how about a little assistance? But here's my favorite one: "Once you adopt, you'll end up getting pregnant and have a baby of your own." There are a couple of things wrong with that statement: (1) chances are we will NOT get pregnant - it only happens in approximately 5% of the cases, and I'm not that lucky; and (2) when we adopt, that baby will be own own. I don't have to give birth to make a child ours.

I apologize for the length of this post, but I wanted to cover all of this at once and then leave it. Kind of a catharsis. And for those of you who are wondering if I ever got a second opinion, I did. That doctor said my RE was being as aggressive as possible and that going to a different doctor would not likely change the outcome. Did I try accupuncture? No - please refer to the above regarding the whole fear-of-needles issue.

However, through all of this I have grown. Not only in girth (thank you, fertility drugs), but also in courage. It's getting easier to talk about IF with people. I'm more understanding of people and their personal problems. I've apologized for my uneducated comments (i.e. the ones above that now bother me) made to friends experiencing IF before I experienced it. I'm no longer afraid of needles. Not saying I'm going to shoot-up tomorrow, but I don't have a major meltdown like I used to. And..... dah dah Dah.... I'm going to try accupuncture (I hear it can do wonders for headaches). Hopefully all these baby-steps are going to lead to the sound of baby-steps in my life soon.

Dealing with IF is definitely a process.

Restrain-ment-ish

Well, I almost did it. I almost broke down today and went to buy baby clothes. Ooooh do I have the itch! I'm already scouring baby-sites, furniture store, consumer reports, various reviews, blogs... you name it, I'm looking at it! Even though we have alredy picked out Ukulele's name, I'm even looking at baby name sites to get the meaning! I am just so damned excited! Her first name is of French/German origin (the websites differ). The French meaning is "petite and feminine," while the German meaning is "free man." So.... our little Ukulele is going to be a petite and feminine free man -- now that's interesting! Her middle name is of German origin and it means "master of the land." Hmmm. Despite their meanings, they sound great together and mean a lot to me and GatorMan.

I'm also getting the itch to sew things. Baby things. Don't get me wrong, I'm not Martha Stewart, but I can sew a straight line with the best of them. I'm thinking of sewing the crib bumper and blanket (the box pleat skirt is over my head... I'll buy that one). I cannot seem to find exactly what I am looking for, so I'll make the darned things. MamaD told me to make sure it's dark in color because nothing light can stay clean! But then I think with envy of my other friend's nursery (LittleQ - who is also a "need to know" member) with it's light and breezy colors..... Oh what a dilemna to have! I'd love to use chocolate brown with the walls painted Tiffany blue - what girl doesn't love Tiffany??!! But first we have to get the larger house so we can have a nursery.... which leads to.....

Yes, a Realtor update. The update is zilch. He's done nothing. So I sent him another *restrained* e-mail basically telling him that I wanted to discuss his marketing plans for our house. I haven't heard back yet. I'm sure he's just so busy marketing our house (even thought it's not even listed on the realty company's website yet) that he hasn't had time to check his e-mail. Whatever. I'll give him the weekend to get his crap together and do something. Anything. After that, I may not be so *restrained*.

Ok - time to go for now. Baby-stuff shopping websites are calling me.........

Need to Vent

Ok, I have to get this off my chest. There is a woman I know who is pregnant. She found out this week the sex of her baby. Now, before I vent too much, I want to preface this story with the fact that she is very happy to be pregnant with baby number two and that the baby is healthy. I am very happy for her as well.

Now to the venting part:

She comes in to my office yesterday and says "So, do you want to hear our news?" I said "Sure." She proceeds to tell me that they found out the sex of their second baby. She desperately wanted a girl. She sighs - in front of my desk - and says (without happiness) "We're having a boy. I really wanted a girl. I don't know how to take care of a boy." Um.... ok. Sorry for your freakin' bad luck in the sex-of-your-baby department. Why don't you try not being able to have a baby at all - much less being able to pick the sex you ungrateful fertile b*&$ch. UUGHHHH! So today a group of us are at lunch, and she is sitting across the table from me telling her sex-of-the-baby story to the girl sitting next to me. I tried to block their conversation from my ears, I really did, but it didn't work. I overheard her say that she cried, she literally CRIED in the doctor's office, when she found out she was having a boy. Oh, this woman also complains because a friend of hers is pregnant and due the same week - and this friend of hers will remain skinny while she gets fat. Too *bleepin* bad for you. I - along with other infertiles - would love to be able to experience the weight-gain that pregnancy brings. I have held my tongue long enough during this fiasco.... next time it comes up I am letting loose.

Oh - you want to know if she is aware that we cannot have biological children?

Yes, she knows.

I cried to her in her office when I found out.

Her husband (who is a doctor) gave me my shots in my ass when I was taking fertility drugs.

She knows.

I know I should address this with her and ask her to be a little bit more respectful - but maybe I'm the one who should try to be more tolerant. I'm just so sick of all these fertile people around me. I swear there is something in the water in the building I work. Or maybe in the city's water supply. But I know the real issue is that I am so sensitive to fertiles that I notice them everywhere. It should be classified as a sixth sense. And to top it all off, I want so desperately to talk about Ukulele. That little girl occupies almost every thought all day long. I cannot wait to be her mother!

Much better now - thanks for listening (*reading*).

Need new realtor?

So in our quest to find our Ukulele, we know that we will have to get a larger home. Right now we live in a one bedroom/one bathroom townhome. Not too bad for a married couple, and not too bad for a couple wanting to adopt - in NYC. However, we are not in NYC, therefore, one bedroom/one bath is too small. After discussing my current domicile predicament with a couple of different homestudy professionals, it was agreed that we would have to move. So, the cozy townhome is now on the market - which means we have a realtor.

So yesterday GatorMan tells me that the Mr. Realtor told him that someone is interested in swapping houses with us (they have an empty house and an extra mortgage - and are interested in using ours as a rental). Both parties have seen the other's property. We're interested. Anyway, GatorMan says Mr. Realtor has spoken with Other Realtor, and as long as we REDUCE our price, and agree to pay more than the asking price on the other property, we may have a deal. WTF???? Um, yeah, I don't think so. Not in my lifetime. Ukulele can sleep in the drawer. (Just kidding, obviously.) Other Realtor says our house is overpriced for our area based on the comps. Well, the comps that Other Realtor is relying on are condos... not townhomes. BIG difference when in my townhome community WE OWN THE LAND our home sits on. Mr. Realtor and Other Realtor don't seem to think that's an issue. Well, I don't think it's an issue to have Other Realtor sit on her client's house for another year either. So anyway, last night I pull the comps - townhome comps - for our area, along with the comps for the other house, and write a very *restrained* e-mail to Mr. Realtor explaining that our house is appropriately priced and the other house is at least $20 per square foot more than every other house in its neighborhood (without good reason - I know, I've been in the house). Mr. Realtor's response this morning? -- "That's great amo! Let me know if you have any more information."

WHAT???? I'm sorry - am I now expected to do YOUR job? (And yes, he spelled "ammo" with one "m".)

How about this Mr. Realtor - "Since I am doing your job for you, how about reducing your realtor fee to half of what it is right now. That seems about fair. What? Not fair? WELL NEITHER IS MY DOING YOUR WORK!"

Whew. That's off my chest. I kindly pointed out that we do not have to sell and that we are not the ones sitting on an empty house and an extra mortgage. Mr. Realtor indicated we can negotiate early next week. Um - not unless Pompous Homeowner and Other Agent get off their high horses.

So.... while Waiting for the Ukulele, we are also trying to sell our house. In this market. Which sucks. But... we are making a valiant (most of the time) effort, and I hope that looks good to the person doing our homestudy.

On the Ukulele front - no new news. Therefore I assume that everything is status quo.

Creation of the "Ukulele"

I hope you have not found this blog because you are a music enthusiast.... "Ukulele" is the code-word for our not-yet-adopted daughter. My husband and I travelled to Hawaii with my sister's family, and we had hoped to come back with a little "Ukulele" of our own (at least that was my brother-in-law's term for a baby). That was two years ago. After lots of trying, many tests, and the rollercoaster ride of fertility treatments, our doctor said "no more." We always wanted to adopt, we just never anticipated that it would be our only option. So, this will be my story of "Waiting for the Ukulele."

I am creating this blog to help me through the waiting period of adoption. I'm not sure I can put my eyes on another page of mainstream media adoption rhetoric without going crazy. I feel like I have read way too many articles about successful adoptions, failed adoptions, birthmother stories, whatever. Right now I need to sort through MY thoughts and fears.

Here's the thing: we are waiting on our Ukulele. We have not gone through an adoption agency (although that was the original plan). A friend of ours knows a birthmother who wants to give her baby up for adoption. This friend contacted us, and of course we said yes. We're calling the birthmother "Juno" for obvious reasons. Juno is due at the end of January, and she is having a girl. I cannot imagine what is going through Juno's mind as she experiences pregnancy and tries to maneuver her way through high school. Yes, Juno is a teenager. My husband (whom I will call GatorMan) and I have a number of reasons to be afraid that Juno will change her mind, yet we cannot help be feel euphoric at the thought of having our Ukulele.

The adoption with Juno will be closed/private. We do not know her real name, she does not know ours. That's the way she wants it, that's the way we want it. Although I have read so many great stories about open adoption.... a part of me is sort of sad that this one will not be handled in that manner.

Anyway, Juno is 23 weeks along. I've found a plethora of pregnancy-tracking sites for birthmothers, but alas, none that I have found for adoptive mothers. So I visit one of the birthmother sites and watch Ukulele's progress.

Not sure if anyone out there is going to find this, or be interested in what I have to say, but I am certainly hoping it calms my crazy head during our wait for Ukulele.