On the drive home today, I was trying to decide how we are going to announce to the world (or at least our little corner of it) that we had become parents overnight. No one saw a pregnancy. No one was told about the adoption - by our choice. In fact, I've been telling everyone that we are going to start the adoption process full swing after the first of the year. And it's not really a lie, really, just kind of just a stretch of the truth. The actual *adoption* will start full swing in January... just not in the same way most people perceive *starting*....
Anyway, I get home, and it appears that Elle of Baby Bunts dreamt about a predicament like mine and she discussed it in her post today. She had a dream that they became parents through a surrogate and she did not know how she was going to explain to people how it happened. In her dream, they did not tell people that they were using a surrogate.... so two babies were going to be quite a surprise to everyone.
That's where we are.
Not two babies via a surrogate - just one through private adoption - but the same concern. No one outside of our immediate circle knows what is going on. In January, I am going to all of a sudden be "sick" for about two weeks, and then after that we are going to present our baby. (Now that I think of it, I might have to come up with another reason for being gone.... someone who is sick for two weeks ought to be admitted to a hospital.... anyway, I digress....) Although everyone will be happy for us, I am sure there are going to be hurt feelings from those who felt they should have been told prior to the rest of the world.
So my question to all of you who have adopted, did everyone know what was going on? Or did you keep it confidential until the revocation period was over? And when you did share your news, how did you do it?
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9 comments:
Ours was international and we shared early on in the process with friends and coworkers. It took months longer than expected and we were questioned everyday by various people. It was really hard. So go with what makes you feel most comfortable and don't worry about anyone else.
i guess it depends on how open you are, or want to be, with the people around you. we adopted older children in a sort of "family emergency" situation, so we weren't even thinking adoption when tinkerbell came to us. we went from no kids to a 5 year old and an 8 year old within a month and a half. we obviously had some explaining to do.
i think it comes down to what you're comfortable with. that child will be your child, no matter how they arrived.
That is a hard one. In a way, there might be less hurt feelings, because *most* people are going to be so excited about the baby and not wanting to burden you as a brand-new mother with their "issues." But there are always going to be difficult people...
I think the best thing to do is be honest about your need to keep things private: "We didn't want to talk about it too much before because . . . [ ], but we're so happy to share this news with you now."
With our first adoption, we had told our family and close friends as we were trying to network to find our baby. However, I had not told my boss and most people at work and so it was a surprise to alot of people when I called and said we had a baby. Unlike you we did not have much time to prepare. We got a call on Thursday about a potential situation and our beautiful daughter was born on Monday morning. Fortunately, before this all happened, my husband and I had both previously scheduled vacation for Monday thru Wednesday.
Our second child came to us through our adoption website that we had setup prior to adopting our first daughter. Our girls are only 7.5 months apart and were both adopted as newborns. So more people were shocked about this adoption than the first. (Many also thought we were crazy to have two babies so close together but we were thrilled.) We had about 12 days of notice on this one, but there were a number of things that gave us concern that the adoption may not happen so we told only our immediate family and like 2 close friends.
We did not have anyone express concern that they hadn't known what was happening. Generally people were very excited for us and everyone welcomed our children with open arms. My husband is a police officer and I have to say they are truly a family. We got more gifts and support from them than from my work.
Having adopted two children, I would probably be more open now than I was at the time. The adoption process can be very emotional and sometimes it is hard to deal with so it is easier not to tell everyone. I wouldn't worry about not telling everyone, they will be excited when they see you with your new baby! Congratulations.
It's a good question and I don't have an answer. We are actually pursuing adoption AND infertility stuff, but no one except my parents know about any of it. I haven't decided how I'm going to handle it. Probably because I don't really believe any of it will become a reality.
I don't really have any good advice or even assvice, but I would say that I am a private person, and perhaps would simply expect others to respect that It Wasn't Their Business to know the intricate in's and out's of your path to parenthood. If anybody's nose is out of joint, well that reflects on them more than you.
xx
J
True friends will understand when you explain that for protection of your own sanity you were waiting (because until it was for sure, you just couldn't believe that it was for real.)
If someone takes it personally, just remind them again that it had nothing to do with them, it was about you, and you trying to take care of yourself.
Everybody will be happy for you. Surprised, maybe, but very happy.
I haven't even begun to walk in your shoes. but that's my two cents : )
Mo
Although I haven't had anything to do with adoption, here's my assvice. Personally I think that nothing is anyone's business, but I do anticipate bickering over who gets what news when (whenever we have news to tell, that is).
Perhaps it will satisfy them to hear that you were protecting them -- because of the uncertainty with adoption, you didn't want to get their hopes up in case things didn't work out.
If that doesn't work, I might say, "Well the baby is here now. Do you want to celebrate with us or keep criticizing us about the past?" But as I've told you before, I'm quite bitchy. :P
I don't have any useful advice, but as far as work goes, would it be helpful if at least the immediate boss knew that you may be anticipating taking parental leave when the little one arrives?
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