Done.

I have read 2,444 pages since approximately 11:00 p.m. (EST) on Novemer 25. My eyes are tired -- my mind is wired. Damn you, Ed.ward Cul.len! I have completed the "Twi.light" series and am sad.

My re-entrance into the general population can now commence.

*UPDATE*: I just found 264 more pages of her 5th book (from Edward's point-of-view *pitter-pat pitter-pat*) on her website.... YAY! So it looks like I'm not done (yet) after all!

* SECOND UPDATE*: Elle requested a series review, so I have put one in the comment section if you are interested in reading it.

The GatorMan Cometh

“My child, in life ahead of you, keep your capacity for faith and belief, but let your judgment watch what you believe. Keep your love of life, but throw away your fear of death. Life must be loved or it is lost... Keep your wonder at great and noble things, like sunlight and thunder, the rain and the stars, and the greatness of heroes. Keep your heart hungry for new knowledge. Keep your hatred of a lie, and keep your power of indignation... I am ashamed to leave you in an uncomfortable world, but someday it will be better. And when that day comes, you will thank God for the greatest blessing a man can receive: living in peace.”

- letter from a Yugoslav soldier in World War II to his unborn child

There are thoughts that strike your brain in life. Original, bolt from the blue type stuff that haunts your mind and hangs about your shoulders forever like either a mantle of greatness, or Coleridge's albatross. I remember one inky, humid central Florida night of too much wine and conversation alternating between work, theology and late nineties Gen X angst I said to a close friend “I hope that life brings me wisdom without bringing too much pain with it.”

One thing is for sure, the soldier quoted above, soon to die without meeting his child, never had to pray for wisdom. Like many of the 'greatest generation,' his mettle had been tempered and hardened in the forge of two world wars and a worldwide depression.

This has been a horrendous year for both of us. Both for reasons covered in this blog, and others unmentioned. A really, really stinky year. I'm looking forward to a much better 2009. Hell, I'm just looking forward to 2008 being over. I just hope it did its job... getting me a little closer to good Dad potential.

Part two of the worry that GreenEggsNHam often sees as I stare off into space is the world we'll raise a child in. Things are pretty bad. Without giving too much info, let's just say I am on the front lines of the financial part of the mess we find ourselves in. As bad as the media makes it sound, believe me, it has downside potential.

There you have it. Id, dukkha, theodicy, whatever name your frame of reference bestows upon it, I have exposed the glittering black insect of fear on the underbelly of my soul; will I be as good of a Dad as needed for the times we are in.

Sigh.

How dramatic.

Anyhow, here's what I know... Ukulele will have two parents who completely and totally dig each other. She'll be frequently embarrassed by random songs made up on the spot in honor of our house pets. She will have to endure us holding hands and many other forms of PDA. She'll have to tolerate the nightly flying of the housecat, and made up words, and LOTS of football. ...and she'll be the luckiest little girl on earth.

That's just my two cents... ignore it all, it could be the Benadryl talking.

Anticipated Absence.... ???

I had to do it. I couldn't wait any longer. I finally caved. I am hanging on to the bandwagon's bumper by my fingernails being dragged through the gravel....

I bought Twilight. And I am going to start reading it. Tonight.

So if I am gone from the blogging world for awhile... you know where to find me...

How to Announce?

On the drive home today, I was trying to decide how we are going to announce to the world (or at least our little corner of it) that we had become parents overnight. No one saw a pregnancy. No one was told about the adoption - by our choice. In fact, I've been telling everyone that we are going to start the adoption process full swing after the first of the year. And it's not really a lie, really, just kind of just a stretch of the truth. The actual *adoption* will start full swing in January... just not in the same way most people perceive *starting*....

Anyway, I get home, and it appears that Elle of Baby Bunts dreamt about a predicament like mine and she discussed it in her post today. She had a dream that they became parents through a surrogate and she did not know how she was going to explain to people how it happened. In her dream, they did not tell people that they were using a surrogate.... so two babies were going to be quite a surprise to everyone.

That's where we are.

Not two babies via a surrogate - just one through private adoption - but the same concern. No one outside of our immediate circle knows what is going on. In January, I am going to all of a sudden be "sick" for about two weeks, and then after that we are going to present our baby. (Now that I think of it, I might have to come up with another reason for being gone.... someone who is sick for two weeks ought to be admitted to a hospital.... anyway, I digress....) Although everyone will be happy for us, I am sure there are going to be hurt feelings from those who felt they should have been told prior to the rest of the world.

So my question to all of you who have adopted, did everyone know what was going on? Or did you keep it confidential until the revocation period was over? And when you did share your news, how did you do it?

Flu Shot???

I originally was not going to get a flu shot this winter. However, I recall the last time I had the flu. It was while GatorMan and I were just dating, and we had gone to visit his friends for New Years. I became horribly sick, and so did he. We ended up staying three days in a hotel room absolutely miserable. The next couple of years I got a flu shot. This year, however, I thought about skipping it. They hurt and make my arm sore.

I got to thinking about January, and Ukulele. And then I reflected on how horrible I felt years ago on New Years. I ended up getting the shot on Thursday after realizing that there was no way I would be able to adequately take care of a newborn if I got the flu.

This morning, however, I was very sick. No fever.... but still very sick. I still feel horrible. I'm hoping the flu shot did not give me the flu.

Revocation Period

I really wanted to wait until this evening to do my post, but I just finished reading Production, Not Reproduction's post on the waiting period - and I could no longer wait. First of all, if you are adopting, please go read her post, it is very insightful. Also read the comments, there are some very good ones.

Where we live, our revocation period is ten days from the date the revocation papers are signed. I know that will be the longest ten days of my life up to that point. Just typing this is making my heart race and my eyes sting with tears. You see, that ten-day-wait is the part that scares me the most. Although Ukulele has not been born yet, I already love her. And I have been trying SO HARD to not get attached to that baby because I know Juno can change her mind, and it would be her right to do that, to which we would have no recourse whatsoever. (I just now got up and closed my office door because I am crying thinking of that scenario.) A potential adoptive parent cannot help but become attached to the child that they hope to parent - and face it, before the revocation period ends, *hope to parent* is all we get to have. While the ten-day-wait will be wrought with anxiety, stress, and (most likely) worse-case-scenario nightmares -- it will also be filled with excitement, joy, love, and learning. It really is the proverbial double-edged sword. There is no way we - or any other adoptive parent(s) - would hold back even an ounce of love for that child on the fear that the child could be ripped from their arms (and their hearts) at any moment. But yet, as a *hope to* parent, how do you prepare for that child? How do you get through each day of the revocation period - relishing in every minute detail of your child from physical traits to emotional traits to even just the smell - without losing your mind in the "what if" abyss?

Okay, I need to stop focusing on that aspect.... although it is always the ugly dirtball in the back of my hope-filled mind....

We did get an update on Juno and Ukulele today. Nothing new! Which is fantastic news! We are still 100% a "go" and everyone is healthy.

Now, a practical question (because I refuse to believe the worst despite all I wrote above).... how do I keep Molly-cat out of Ukulele's crib once she is here? We are going to go ahead and get Ukulele some proper sleeping quarters (since she would most likely grow out of the dresser drawer in about a week) prior to her arrival. But that's it - nothing else is going to be bought. The reasoning is that we need to teach the cat to stay out of the crib. I have read that you can put double-sided tape on cardboard and stick that in the crib before the baby arrives. The cat will jump in, freak out on the tape, jump out, and then repeat the process until it learns that the crib is an undesirable place. If anyone else has any suggestions, we would really appreciate them!

My Bucket List

This has turned out to be a week of lists for me! Heavy Heart tagged me to do a bucket list of things I would like to do before I die. I'm not sure what the rules are, but she listed ten things, so I will as well.

My Bucket List
1. Publish novel.
2. Vacation in Napa Valley.
3. Tour Italy.
4. Learn French.
5. Help our (yet unborn) child(ren) understand and appreciate 80's music.
6. Perform in a major motion picture.
7. Have enough money to live very comfortably.
8. Own a house on the water.
9. Pay for our child(ren) to attend college.
10. Learn to like exercising.

I'm not sure how many people I am supposed to tag, so I am just going to pick three: Mo, Murgdan, and Erin.

(As a side note, no updates on Juno or Ukulele yet. I'm hoping for some tomorrow evening.....
Also, day one into my List of Thirty-Eight has started well - I made my bed this morning - yay me!!)

The List of Thirty-Eight

Happy Birthday to Me,
Happy Birthday to Me,
My Mom says I'm thirty--eight,
But my eggs think they're fifty-three.

Yes, today is my birthday. My thirty-eighth birthday. I remember in college when I thought thirty-eight was O.L.D. Speaking of college, I had a sorority sister who would receive roses every year on her birthday from her father. When she was eighteen, she received eighteen roses; on her nineteenth birthday, nineteen roses; and so on. He had done this for her from her very first birthday. I love the significance and tradition on that.

So, on this, my thirty-eighth birthday, I am starting my own personal tradition. Every year I will have a list of things I will accomplish before my next birthday. Because I am thirty-eight this year, I will have the List of Thirty-Eight. Next year will be the List of Thirty-Nine, etc. There really are no *rules* for the list except that I have to be able to personally accomplish the items.... I cannot rely on someone else to accomplish an item for me. The items have to be under my control. Also, they have to be able to be accomplished before the next birth date. As I accomplish each task, I will come back to this post and cross a line through that item. Some items may seem trivial, but they were important enough to me to put on my list. You have a criticism? Keep it to yourself and go make your own list!

So, with much fanfare, here it is (and in no particular order):

List of Thirty-Eight
1. Drink at least 48 ounces of water every day.
2. Lose 40 pounds. (Lost 12 so far...)
3. Go to my 20 year high school reunion.
4. Write 38 handwritten (i.e. snail-mail) letters to friends/family.
5. Get rid of 5 oldest cases on my pending-motions docket. (Cases remaining: 4 )
6. Go horseback riding.
7. Go roller-skating.
8. Move into house with at least 3 bedrooms and 2 baths.
9. Pay off car.
10. Complete three 5ks (running, not walking). (5ks completed: 0 )
11. Clean out file cabinet at home.
12. Read at least 26 books.*
13. Make bed every day.
14. Pay off Amex.
15. Fix hole in bedroom wall.
16. Resign from board.
17. Write at least 10 more chapters in my book.
18. Get a mammogram.
19. Get rid of at least 10 handbags.
20. Do a tryptic painting.
21. Clean out trunk of car.
22. Donate $$ to undergraduate school.
23. Donate $$ to law school.
24. Write in blog at least once per week.
25. Sand spot on living room wall.
26. Try mushrooms (again).
27. Return file to old firm.
28. Find church to regularly attend.
29. Visit grandmother.
30. Frame paintings in storage.
31. *(Private item for GatorMan) ;)
32. Convert Julius Jones jersey to current Cowboy player.
33. Walk Matty-Dog every day.
34. Be less catty.
35. Clean out file cabinet at work.
36. Do a vision board.
37. Make "The List of Thirty-Nine."
38. Become a mom.

There it is. If I do not complete an item, it will be added to next year's list. Number 38 is obviously the most important to me.... that's the one I'm really working on....

* Books read:
(1) Twi.light by Steph.enie Me.yer (11/26/2008)
(2) New Mo.on by Steph.enie Me.yer (11/27/2008)
(3) Eclipse by Steph.enie Me.yer (11/29/2008)
(4) Break.ing Dawn by Steph.enie Me.yer (11/30/2008)
Mid.night Sun (draft) by Steph.enie Me.yer (12/2/2008)
(5) The Attach.ment Parent.ing Book by Wil.liam Sea.rs, MD (12/11/2008)
(6) Dear Birth.mother by Sil.ber & Speed.lin (12/14/2008)

Whatever Stuff

Where did the last couple of days go? I just realized my last post was Thursday. I had a fairly busy day on Friday -- hair appointment in late afternoon (a girl's gotta keep her hair magnificently coiffed!). Now that I think about it, Friday wasn't busy at all... just lazy. Saturday, however, WAS busy. It was our turn to host the Wine Club, so GatorMan and I spent all day cleaning and shopping. Wine Club was a success and many (many many many) bottles of tasty wine were consumed. However, that was not enough, so a group of us went to sing karaoke and drink beer. Hence, nasty hangover this morning.

Now I'm sitting on the couch watching NFL and realizing that my fantasy team will yet again have a losing season. Oh well.

My project for this evening, however, is to finish my List of Thirty-Eight. "What is that?" you ask? Tomorrow I turn 38. Damn I'm getting old. To celebrate the occasion, I am making a list of 38 things I want to accomplish before I turn 39. I have 33 things so far... the last 5 are giving me a problem. Tomorrow I will post my list and the impetus behind it.

Until then, I'm going to drink my caffeine, ponder a pizza order, and eat more headache medicine.

Is that a fork in the road???

An update on Dr. Needle. GatorMan and I have been going to him now for about a month. Every week, on Wednesday, like clockwork. I'm not sure anything different is happening to my body - except the incredibly noticeable pubescent break-outs I've been experiencing. Not sure if Dr. Needle is monkey-ing with my hormones, or if I need to remember to wash my face more at night! But my last cycle was just like the 18 cycles before it.... no noticeable change. Dr. Needle says "wait anudda psycho" and then to reassure me he says: "free uvva woman get pregnant heo last yeo" and as he cups his hands together as if receiving a wafer at communion, he says "and day bwing utrasound pic tour". (For those that cannot understand my hooked-on-phonics version, here is what transpired: "Wait another cycle"; "three other women got pregnant here last year"; "and they bring their ultrasound pictures.") I'm hoping he only saw three fertility patients and three of them got knocked-up -- but not preferably IN his office, but through his acupuncture assistance! (You know what I mean....) Dr. Needle states it may take six months to see some changes with me. Who knows? Personally, I am enjoying laying there for half an hour and relaxing!

As for GatorMan, he says there has been a considerable change for him. Dr. Needle treats him with acupuncture and herbs. Although GatorMan will be mortified when he reads this - he says the amount he produces has increased. I'm just hoping those little swimmers are waking up and on the move!

For those who may be confused and wondering if we have gone from adopting to pursuing fertility treatments again, no need to check the blog heading... yes, we are still adopting. But do those who reach the fork in the road and choose the adoption path ever give up the hopes of conceiving a child as well? Mom of Tinkerbell and Chickadee put it best in her November 12 post. A big shout-out to her for discussing the dichotomy. GatorMan and I are not going to love Ukulele any less because she does not carry our DNA, nor would we love a biological child any more because they do carry our DNA. Perhaps it is human nature to wonder what your offspring would look like? And perhaps it is my human nature to know what it is like to be pregnant? I know we will be parents, I just do not know how it is going to happen. And in pursuit of that desire, GatorMan and I will try whatever we can.... even if it means splitting our car in half and driving down both sides of the fork-in-the-road simultaneously.

I'm Sorry I Was Mean

I need to apologize to someone who will most likely never read this blog. Tonight I was helping finish a set construction for a local theater company, and another girl was there helping me. Tonight was the first night I had ever met her. Early in our "meet" she asked if I had any children. I said no and moved the conversation quickly along.

Later the conversation turned to my age. It turns out she is only about 6 months older than I am. Not sure if she is married or not - I didn't ask. Anyway, I was not wearing my wedding ring (bad idea around power tools and paint), and she must have noticed. She asked if I was single, and I said no, I was married. Then she said "No kids?" I said no. She then asked "Why? You don't want them?" And what did I do? With my best lawyer/actress/bitch eyes, I stared straight down into her ~5'2" eyes (I'm 5'8") and said:

"We can't have children."

And I kept my gaze on her. I felt her get uncomfortable and I didn't care. I was fully aware of my stare upon her and I didn't care. I absolutely wanted her to feel uncomfortable, and at that moment, I didn't care.

Now I care.

She didn't know. She had just met me. It was a perfectly innocent question. And to top it off, she was not American and could barely speak english - I'm sure it was odd to her that I would be my age (almost 38), married, and childless.

I'm such a bitch. To my short-lived-set-constructing-friend:

I'm sorry I was mean.

A Guest Blogger is Bringing You the Following Post Compliments of The Great Blog Cross Pollinaion!

My husband is out of town, and so I am sitting at his desk -- because he took the good laptop with him, and also to keep the cat company. She spends most of the day curled in a ball on his desk.

She is sleeping, as she does most of the time. Usually she is totally silent, but occasionally she makes little murmurs in her sleep. Dreaming, I suppose. Adorable.

Now she is breathing more loudly, and it is also adorable. I could listen to it all day.

I love to watch her little torso move up and down with each breath.

It makes me wonder: Is this what it's like to watch a baby sleeping?

And my mind has turned something happy into something sad. Once again.

Thanks a lot, Mind. Or rather, thanks a lot, Infertility. Also, screw you.



Note from GreenEggsNHam:

So, think you know who the guest blogger is? Go to The Great Blog Cross Pollination page, and scan through the sans list.... these are your possible guest bloggers.

Now, list in the comment section on this page who you think the guest blogger is.

When you are finished, you can click HERE to find out the guest blogger's identity, and also to read my post for today!

HAVE FUN!

My Life is Good

Right now I am listening to GatorMan and his best friend play Mad.den in the other room. Such boys.... and I adore them. GatorMan's job is VERY stressful, so any (legal) outlet he finds to relieve his stress is fine by me. While they do boy things in the other room, I'm laying in the bed catching up on my blog reading, my dog is beside me, my cat is on the floor, I just took a long hot shower, and the ceiling fan is slowly blowing the air in the room. I love it.

GatorMan's best friend and his girlfriend are here this weekend. These are great people. It's nights like these that I realize how good my life really is. Nothing exceptional has happened, no big events, big expensive meals... none of that. And that is exactly why it is so perfect. Just good people, good conversation, and good feelings. It really is the simple things.

Juno Update

Just a quick update on Juno. She went in for her diabetes test and everything is fine! Weight is still good, and we are right on track!

I hate it when I sit here trying to figure out what to write. I wrote the above sentence about 3 minutes ago....

I read somewhere today that when you write a blog, people just want to read what is going on in your mind - it does not have to necessarily have to be witty. I want to be witty. I want people to keep coming back to read my blog. But then I think of the blogs that I like to read. Most are incredibly witty - but even when they are not, I still enjoy reading them and I look forward to catching up with what is going on with everyone.

So here is what is going on with me today: (1) I'm upset that I forgot to set my fantasty football line-up before the game tonight; (2) I laughed really hard with my students in class this evening; (3) I added a lot of pictures to my Facebook account; (4) I ate a really tasty dinner that GatorMan had waiting for me when I got home from class; (5) I successfully avoided going to the gym; (6) I caught up with three different friends that I have not talked to in a few days; (7) I did my cross-pollination post; (8) I commented on a few separate blogs; (9) I sang a song to my cat; (10) so the dog wouldn't feel left out, I sang him a song, too; and (11) I imagined what life would be like with Ukulele.

The Bitch is Back

And when I say "Bitch," I am not only referring to myself, but to the Bitch AF.

(1) I GET TO KEEP MY JOB! MyBoss won the re-election (very easily), so this bee-otch is back for another 4 years!!! (Spoiler alert: this is the one high-point of my post.)

(2) I am in. a. mood. And a really. bad. one. Queen-bitch level. I have this flex spending account that has a hefty balance in it that has to be spent by December 31. My acupuncturist does not take credit cards, so I have to pay by check, and then file a claim. My first claim was filed 2.5 weeks ago. I called to check on it today.... no claim on record there. So... while my personal account quickly dwindles in balance, Flex idiots get to keep the owed-to-me-money in their fat corporate accounts. I hate red tape. Oh, then there's more. Dry.Cl.ean.USA has filed bankruptcy... conveniently after ruining a suit beyond repair, accepting my claim, then ignoring my claim. I now have to file a claim in federal court.... in a Chapter 11 case... as an unsecured debt. Basically, in layman's terms, this means I'll be lucky to receive $5 for a very nice suit. I am SO pissed off. And why so angry at this crap? Read on to (3):

(3) AF showed up today. On day 26. Bitch. All the tiny little needles going in to me on a weekly basis did nothing this cycle. I was hoping she would hold off for another two days. Dr. Needle says "wait to next cycle to see if work" (in his Asian accent). Oh, but my mood is certainly like the AF cycles of yore....

(4) House crap. It was a done deal basically. Until OtherHouseWife freaked (after papers drawn and ready to be signed). She has a fear that "what-if" she loses her job? Will they have to move in to a one-bedroom home (ours that they are buying as a rental property) if she does lose her job? Welcome to my fu*#ing world - stay for a week in Casa-de-Mini. (I do have a little guilt about writing this last point... OtherHouseWife is a friend of mine.... NEVER mix business with friendship.)

I'm so over this infertility/adoption/childlessness/house/flex-spending/filing-claim shit.

I need a drink. NOW.

Election Day

**big sigh**

This is a very exciting time in our lives, no matter who we are voting for. However, it is quite nerve-wracking for me. I work for an elected official, and if MyBoss is not re-elected today, I will lose my job. MyBoss should win the re-election without any problem, but there is always that "what if" hanging around.

A lot like adopting.....

Will life ever be easy?

Missing My Bloggers

GatorMan and I just returned from a "mini-break" to the mountains... which did not include (in the phrasology of those living in the mountains:) the "internets" (yes, plural). So the first thing I do when I walk in the door? Log on to the "internets" to get the updates on all of my fellow bloggers! I feel like I have been completely out-of-the-loop, and it is so good to be back in!

On the way to the mountains, I spoke with Intermediary's Husband again, and got the update on Juno and Ukulele. Everything looks fantastic, Ukulele is great, Juno is great.... and here's the best news: Juno is more positive about the adoption than she has ever been! Don't get me wrong, she's always been for it, but her attitude is taking a more "positive" turn. Think back to when you were 15 . . . . . I know I could barely decide what boy I liked more, much less make a decision that would impact so many lives all at once. I am hoping this positive attitude is the pre-adoption counseling she is going through.

House update: We may have one! We walked through a possibility on Wednesday right before we left and really liked it. Is it absolutely the 100% perfect house of our dreams? No. But we also realize that whatever house we get we will only be in for ~5 years or so. So.... this is a very good option for that time frame. GatorMan and I want to go through the house one more time before we sign any papers.

Overall, it's been a great week.... lots of relaxing, wine, fall leaves, cool air, and us-time. As much as I loved it all, I hope that it is the last chance we have for it before we become the family we desperately want to be!