Done.

I have read 2,444 pages since approximately 11:00 p.m. (EST) on Novemer 25. My eyes are tired -- my mind is wired. Damn you, Ed.ward Cul.len! I have completed the "Twi.light" series and am sad.

My re-entrance into the general population can now commence.

*UPDATE*: I just found 264 more pages of her 5th book (from Edward's point-of-view *pitter-pat pitter-pat*) on her website.... YAY! So it looks like I'm not done (yet) after all!

* SECOND UPDATE*: Elle requested a series review, so I have put one in the comment section if you are interested in reading it.

The GatorMan Cometh

“My child, in life ahead of you, keep your capacity for faith and belief, but let your judgment watch what you believe. Keep your love of life, but throw away your fear of death. Life must be loved or it is lost... Keep your wonder at great and noble things, like sunlight and thunder, the rain and the stars, and the greatness of heroes. Keep your heart hungry for new knowledge. Keep your hatred of a lie, and keep your power of indignation... I am ashamed to leave you in an uncomfortable world, but someday it will be better. And when that day comes, you will thank God for the greatest blessing a man can receive: living in peace.”

- letter from a Yugoslav soldier in World War II to his unborn child

There are thoughts that strike your brain in life. Original, bolt from the blue type stuff that haunts your mind and hangs about your shoulders forever like either a mantle of greatness, or Coleridge's albatross. I remember one inky, humid central Florida night of too much wine and conversation alternating between work, theology and late nineties Gen X angst I said to a close friend “I hope that life brings me wisdom without bringing too much pain with it.”

One thing is for sure, the soldier quoted above, soon to die without meeting his child, never had to pray for wisdom. Like many of the 'greatest generation,' his mettle had been tempered and hardened in the forge of two world wars and a worldwide depression.

This has been a horrendous year for both of us. Both for reasons covered in this blog, and others unmentioned. A really, really stinky year. I'm looking forward to a much better 2009. Hell, I'm just looking forward to 2008 being over. I just hope it did its job... getting me a little closer to good Dad potential.

Part two of the worry that GreenEggsNHam often sees as I stare off into space is the world we'll raise a child in. Things are pretty bad. Without giving too much info, let's just say I am on the front lines of the financial part of the mess we find ourselves in. As bad as the media makes it sound, believe me, it has downside potential.

There you have it. Id, dukkha, theodicy, whatever name your frame of reference bestows upon it, I have exposed the glittering black insect of fear on the underbelly of my soul; will I be as good of a Dad as needed for the times we are in.

Sigh.

How dramatic.

Anyhow, here's what I know... Ukulele will have two parents who completely and totally dig each other. She'll be frequently embarrassed by random songs made up on the spot in honor of our house pets. She will have to endure us holding hands and many other forms of PDA. She'll have to tolerate the nightly flying of the housecat, and made up words, and LOTS of football. ...and she'll be the luckiest little girl on earth.

That's just my two cents... ignore it all, it could be the Benadryl talking.

Anticipated Absence.... ???

I had to do it. I couldn't wait any longer. I finally caved. I am hanging on to the bandwagon's bumper by my fingernails being dragged through the gravel....

I bought Twilight. And I am going to start reading it. Tonight.

So if I am gone from the blogging world for awhile... you know where to find me...

How to Announce?

On the drive home today, I was trying to decide how we are going to announce to the world (or at least our little corner of it) that we had become parents overnight. No one saw a pregnancy. No one was told about the adoption - by our choice. In fact, I've been telling everyone that we are going to start the adoption process full swing after the first of the year. And it's not really a lie, really, just kind of just a stretch of the truth. The actual *adoption* will start full swing in January... just not in the same way most people perceive *starting*....

Anyway, I get home, and it appears that Elle of Baby Bunts dreamt about a predicament like mine and she discussed it in her post today. She had a dream that they became parents through a surrogate and she did not know how she was going to explain to people how it happened. In her dream, they did not tell people that they were using a surrogate.... so two babies were going to be quite a surprise to everyone.

That's where we are.

Not two babies via a surrogate - just one through private adoption - but the same concern. No one outside of our immediate circle knows what is going on. In January, I am going to all of a sudden be "sick" for about two weeks, and then after that we are going to present our baby. (Now that I think of it, I might have to come up with another reason for being gone.... someone who is sick for two weeks ought to be admitted to a hospital.... anyway, I digress....) Although everyone will be happy for us, I am sure there are going to be hurt feelings from those who felt they should have been told prior to the rest of the world.

So my question to all of you who have adopted, did everyone know what was going on? Or did you keep it confidential until the revocation period was over? And when you did share your news, how did you do it?

Flu Shot???

I originally was not going to get a flu shot this winter. However, I recall the last time I had the flu. It was while GatorMan and I were just dating, and we had gone to visit his friends for New Years. I became horribly sick, and so did he. We ended up staying three days in a hotel room absolutely miserable. The next couple of years I got a flu shot. This year, however, I thought about skipping it. They hurt and make my arm sore.

I got to thinking about January, and Ukulele. And then I reflected on how horrible I felt years ago on New Years. I ended up getting the shot on Thursday after realizing that there was no way I would be able to adequately take care of a newborn if I got the flu.

This morning, however, I was very sick. No fever.... but still very sick. I still feel horrible. I'm hoping the flu shot did not give me the flu.

Revocation Period

I really wanted to wait until this evening to do my post, but I just finished reading Production, Not Reproduction's post on the waiting period - and I could no longer wait. First of all, if you are adopting, please go read her post, it is very insightful. Also read the comments, there are some very good ones.

Where we live, our revocation period is ten days from the date the revocation papers are signed. I know that will be the longest ten days of my life up to that point. Just typing this is making my heart race and my eyes sting with tears. You see, that ten-day-wait is the part that scares me the most. Although Ukulele has not been born yet, I already love her. And I have been trying SO HARD to not get attached to that baby because I know Juno can change her mind, and it would be her right to do that, to which we would have no recourse whatsoever. (I just now got up and closed my office door because I am crying thinking of that scenario.) A potential adoptive parent cannot help but become attached to the child that they hope to parent - and face it, before the revocation period ends, *hope to parent* is all we get to have. While the ten-day-wait will be wrought with anxiety, stress, and (most likely) worse-case-scenario nightmares -- it will also be filled with excitement, joy, love, and learning. It really is the proverbial double-edged sword. There is no way we - or any other adoptive parent(s) - would hold back even an ounce of love for that child on the fear that the child could be ripped from their arms (and their hearts) at any moment. But yet, as a *hope to* parent, how do you prepare for that child? How do you get through each day of the revocation period - relishing in every minute detail of your child from physical traits to emotional traits to even just the smell - without losing your mind in the "what if" abyss?

Okay, I need to stop focusing on that aspect.... although it is always the ugly dirtball in the back of my hope-filled mind....

We did get an update on Juno and Ukulele today. Nothing new! Which is fantastic news! We are still 100% a "go" and everyone is healthy.

Now, a practical question (because I refuse to believe the worst despite all I wrote above).... how do I keep Molly-cat out of Ukulele's crib once she is here? We are going to go ahead and get Ukulele some proper sleeping quarters (since she would most likely grow out of the dresser drawer in about a week) prior to her arrival. But that's it - nothing else is going to be bought. The reasoning is that we need to teach the cat to stay out of the crib. I have read that you can put double-sided tape on cardboard and stick that in the crib before the baby arrives. The cat will jump in, freak out on the tape, jump out, and then repeat the process until it learns that the crib is an undesirable place. If anyone else has any suggestions, we would really appreciate them!

My Bucket List

This has turned out to be a week of lists for me! Heavy Heart tagged me to do a bucket list of things I would like to do before I die. I'm not sure what the rules are, but she listed ten things, so I will as well.

My Bucket List
1. Publish novel.
2. Vacation in Napa Valley.
3. Tour Italy.
4. Learn French.
5. Help our (yet unborn) child(ren) understand and appreciate 80's music.
6. Perform in a major motion picture.
7. Have enough money to live very comfortably.
8. Own a house on the water.
9. Pay for our child(ren) to attend college.
10. Learn to like exercising.

I'm not sure how many people I am supposed to tag, so I am just going to pick three: Mo, Murgdan, and Erin.

(As a side note, no updates on Juno or Ukulele yet. I'm hoping for some tomorrow evening.....
Also, day one into my List of Thirty-Eight has started well - I made my bed this morning - yay me!!)