Later the conversation turned to my age. It turns out she is only about 6 months older than I am. Not sure if she is married or not - I didn't ask. Anyway, I was not wearing my wedding ring (bad idea around power tools and paint), and she must have noticed. She asked if I was single, and I said no, I was married. Then she said "No kids?" I said no. She then asked "Why? You don't want them?" And what did I do? With my best lawyer/actress/bitch eyes, I stared straight down into her ~5'2" eyes (I'm 5'8") and said:
"We can't have children."
And I kept my gaze on her. I felt her get uncomfortable and I didn't care. I was fully aware of my stare upon her and I didn't care. I absolutely wanted her to feel uncomfortable, and at that moment, I didn't care.
Now I care.
She didn't know. She had just met me. It was a perfectly innocent question. And to top it off, she was not American and could barely speak english - I'm sure it was odd to her that I would be my age (almost 38), married, and childless.
I'm such a bitch. To my short-lived-set-constructing-friend:
I'm sorry I was mean.
10 comments:
Actually I think that you were entirely justified. Innocent questions hurt just as much as purposeful questions. Regardless of where she is from or what her native language is, she needs to learn what is acceptable in the U.S. when talking to 37-year-old childless women. Hell, most Americans get it wrong too.
Oh, did I mention that I am also a bitch?
You know, it's the innocent ?'s that hurt the most sometimes... Sorry you had to do that... sorry you had to be a bitch to get her to get off your back about not having kids... But sometimes it is needed, for our own sanity.
xxx
Whenever I get questions like that I usually wonder if the person is asking because they too have dealt with IF and are simply trying to find others.
People say the most idiotic things, don't they? I know she didn't intend to hurt you and you're feeling badly about staring her down, but I bet she learned an important lesson that she won't soon forget: to think before she says something stupid and hurtful. Try not to be too hard on yourself, ok?
And btw, thanks for adding a link to our new blog! We are thrilled : )
Mo
www.lifeandloveinthepetridish.blogspot.com
Dont worry.. you are sweet to worry about it so much..I feel sorry for her to.. but not as much as I feel for you..if she is smart/mature she will recognise the stare as an expression of hurt and not meanness.. you take care..
I've always wondering what people would say if I gave the response you did...I might have to try it sometime:)
I'm sorry you are feeling bad about this but sometimes a blunt honest answer is for the best otherwise they then go on and on about the negatives of having children thinking you are making a lifestyle choice. What IS the correct answer for these types of situations with strangers or aquaintances?
I would have done exactly the same thing (if I had the guts).
I think, dealing with IF, you just NEED to make people understand sometimes, to shut the f*ck up sometimes, and (I don't know why) make people feel bad.
I don't know why it feels good, like a victory. But it does.
x
B
Hi! Glad you are on the Creme, and happy to go back and see this post. I, too, think you shouldn't feel too guilty about what you said. On the one hand since she is foreign then perhaps in her culture the question isn't rude, but in our culture it is an inappropriate question and she needed to learn that in order to avoid embarrassing herself in the future. I'm sure she felt terrible about it and unless she's an idiot she doesn't think you were being a bitch. But I understand why you feel the need to apologize; I never like feeling mean, either.
Here via la Creme...
A wonderful, honest post. You are so thoughtful to feel badly about your response. People truly say the stupidest things and for her to press on about children after she'd already asked was incredibly rude.
Thanks for sharing this with Creme.
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