How We Got Here

I figured I'd add a post discussing how we got to where we are today. IF-wise, of course.

We got married in 2005 and discussed children right away. I was 35 when we married, GatorMan was 33. Neither of us had any children prior to meeting each other. We discussed adoption as something we definitely wanted to do - even if we had biological children. We decided to spend a year being married with just "us" and add children to the mix later. Our first month of official trying was in February 2007. My OB/GYN gave us six months to succeed - if no success, then to the RE we would go.

We met with our RE in August 2007. Because of my age (36, almost 37), the RE did an FSH test on me immediately. I've always been an overachiever - an my FSH complied. It was 15.7 the first go-round. The RE was hoping for about a 6 or 7. GatorMan was also tested, and where my scores were high, his were unfortunately low. So now the RE realized he was working with a double-whammy. We were told to keep trying, and keep track of my temperature, period days, all that business. A couple of months later, RE tested my FSH again - and this time I scored a 17. Not good. It was at this point RE told us to consider donor eggs. Still no drugs being administered. In November 2007, I had a test done to make sure my tubes were not blocked (I've blocked the name of that particular funride test). RE, who is male, said "Don't worry. It'll just be a mild cramp." Mild cramp my ass! I thought I was going to shoot right off that table and jump through the ceiling tiles. But in the end, the news was good - no blocked passageways.

With this piece of information, RE decided to put GatorMan on Clomid. (He determined that surgery was not necessary for GatorMan, thank goodness.) My FSH did not improve. RE again discussed donor eggs for us. I had a minor (okay, major) meltdown over that one. We were told we could share a donor with another couple and therefore cut the cost. Before that was to happen, RE wanted to try IUI. This is where the fun really started.

An appointment was made for me to learn how to give myself injections in the stomach. Probably not an issue for most, but I have this horrible fear of needles. I have been known to almost hyperventilate when blood was drawn, and I am a sure-bet for crying hysterically once the needle penetrates the skin. Now this joker (RE) wanted me to inflict that drama upon myself. Of course I started crying in the demonstration appointment and wondered how the hell I was going to be able to do it all. Because of my propensity for scoring high on the FSH test, RE prescribed the full amount of Follistim for me. Yay. That meant that the needle would be in my stomach even longer while I injected myself. Woo hoo.

The dreaded day came for my first injection. I had to teach that night, so I left my day job early so that I would have enough time to re-apply all the make-up and recover from the meltdown I was sure to have. As I was driving home, trying to gear up for what I had to do, I kept telling myself "I own this bitch." I marched in the door, took the meds out of the fridge, prepped the needle, wiped my stomach, and shoved the needle in. After the plunger was depressed, I left the needle in for the entire 5 seconds (as per directions). Talk about a mind game. Me, terrified of needles, staring at my own hand keeping a needle in my body on my own accord. Surprisingly, no tears. No drama. I think the whole pep-talk to myself on the way home did the trick. Although I never came to enjoy the whole injection thing, it did get easier each day. I'm not even going to discuss the whole booster-shot-in-the-ass fun. That never was fun.

From this fiasco, I developed two (almost three!) viable eggs. And that was going full-force on the meds. Not the result we wanted.

The day for the first IUI came. RE wanted to do another one the next morning, so we did. After the IUI was finished, RE said we were done. He was not going to do another one and waste our money. Because of my (less than) stellar performance and GatorMan's (less than) stellar reaction to Clomid, RE said he was cutting us off. He did not even want to discuss IVF because I would not be able to develop the eggs necessary to make it worthwhile. But, a donor egg was still an option (because RE could go through GatorMan's sperm and take the good ones and inject the eggs). GatorMan and I discussed this option, and decided that we would spend our money on adoption. So here we are.

Being told that you will never have your own biological child really plays with your mind. You have to go through a mourning process similar to losing a child (so I'm told, but will hopefully never experience). But it's the child you will not carry. I personally could not truly get over the donor-egg option. I was never totally on board with it for a myriad of reasons, all of which are purely vain. It still is incredibly painful to hear that a friend is pregnant, or see a pregnant woman on the street. Even more painful is when I read the stories of people who clearly have no reason being parents because of how they treat their children (keeping them in cages, throwing them out of windows, abusing them, and every other horrible thing one could imagine). I've yelled at God A LOT and still do not understand His choice. Whenever I read one of these stories, I remind Him of His stellar decisions, and make the comment that something made them better at parenting than me. (Unfortunately the sacrcasm does not come through in the writing of that statement quite like it does when I yell it through my tears in the car.) But if I hear another person say "Well, He has a plan" I think I'll punch them in the face. Of course He has a plan - it just doesn't include me experiencing what it would be like to give birth. Or how about this one: "There's a baby out there waiting for you." Really Sherlock? Because we're looking, how about a little assistance? But here's my favorite one: "Once you adopt, you'll end up getting pregnant and have a baby of your own." There are a couple of things wrong with that statement: (1) chances are we will NOT get pregnant - it only happens in approximately 5% of the cases, and I'm not that lucky; and (2) when we adopt, that baby will be own own. I don't have to give birth to make a child ours.

I apologize for the length of this post, but I wanted to cover all of this at once and then leave it. Kind of a catharsis. And for those of you who are wondering if I ever got a second opinion, I did. That doctor said my RE was being as aggressive as possible and that going to a different doctor would not likely change the outcome. Did I try accupuncture? No - please refer to the above regarding the whole fear-of-needles issue.

However, through all of this I have grown. Not only in girth (thank you, fertility drugs), but also in courage. It's getting easier to talk about IF with people. I'm more understanding of people and their personal problems. I've apologized for my uneducated comments (i.e. the ones above that now bother me) made to friends experiencing IF before I experienced it. I'm no longer afraid of needles. Not saying I'm going to shoot-up tomorrow, but I don't have a major meltdown like I used to. And..... dah dah Dah.... I'm going to try accupuncture (I hear it can do wonders for headaches). Hopefully all these baby-steps are going to lead to the sound of baby-steps in my life soon.

Dealing with IF is definitely a process.

Restrain-ment-ish

Well, I almost did it. I almost broke down today and went to buy baby clothes. Ooooh do I have the itch! I'm already scouring baby-sites, furniture store, consumer reports, various reviews, blogs... you name it, I'm looking at it! Even though we have alredy picked out Ukulele's name, I'm even looking at baby name sites to get the meaning! I am just so damned excited! Her first name is of French/German origin (the websites differ). The French meaning is "petite and feminine," while the German meaning is "free man." So.... our little Ukulele is going to be a petite and feminine free man -- now that's interesting! Her middle name is of German origin and it means "master of the land." Hmmm. Despite their meanings, they sound great together and mean a lot to me and GatorMan.

I'm also getting the itch to sew things. Baby things. Don't get me wrong, I'm not Martha Stewart, but I can sew a straight line with the best of them. I'm thinking of sewing the crib bumper and blanket (the box pleat skirt is over my head... I'll buy that one). I cannot seem to find exactly what I am looking for, so I'll make the darned things. MamaD told me to make sure it's dark in color because nothing light can stay clean! But then I think with envy of my other friend's nursery (LittleQ - who is also a "need to know" member) with it's light and breezy colors..... Oh what a dilemna to have! I'd love to use chocolate brown with the walls painted Tiffany blue - what girl doesn't love Tiffany??!! But first we have to get the larger house so we can have a nursery.... which leads to.....

Yes, a Realtor update. The update is zilch. He's done nothing. So I sent him another *restrained* e-mail basically telling him that I wanted to discuss his marketing plans for our house. I haven't heard back yet. I'm sure he's just so busy marketing our house (even thought it's not even listed on the realty company's website yet) that he hasn't had time to check his e-mail. Whatever. I'll give him the weekend to get his crap together and do something. Anything. After that, I may not be so *restrained*.

Ok - time to go for now. Baby-stuff shopping websites are calling me.........

Another One "In the Loop"

I am so excited! I was *forced* to share my news with one of my very best friends. Sounds odd, doesn't it: forced. But I am so glad that she - unbeknownst to her - elevated herself into the "need to know" category of people. That's how GatorMan and I have been handling this - only those who "need to know" have been told about Ukulele. So, here's what happened:

Best friend MamaD called me on Saturday night and said that she knows a woman up north who is pregnant (by a man who is not her current husband) and wants to give the baby up for adoption. MamaD immediately called me. GatorMan was not home, so I told MamaD I would have to speak to him and call her back. She thought it was odd that I was not more excited - which it was odd - but said I needed to call her back soon. After discussing it with GatorMan, we decided that MamaD would be promoted to "Need to Know" status. So I called her yesterday and told her all about Ukulele. Needless to say, MamaD cried with happiness and has already told her one-year-old son that he will be meeting his girlfriend in a couple of months! I am so excited that I get to talk to her about this now.... she has a wealth of information that I desperately need - not to mention just the shear joy of sharing this great news!

The ironic thing about all of this is that on the previous Friday night a group of girls went out for margaritas and we were talking about babies and adoption and all that jazz. MamaD looked at me and said "I would totally know if you were going to adopt - there is no way you could keep that information, or smile, off of your face." Oh little did she know! So we got a big chuckle out of that on Sunday!

Anyway.... I re-read some of my older posts - specifically that one about FertileMyrtle in my office - and I have a theory about my anger: Aunt Flo. She stopped by for a visit a couple of days ago. Since I am no longer tracking my period, or my temperature, or my mucus, or any of that TTC crap, I have no clue when she will decide to appear. Well - she raised her ugly head and it came out in a post! Sorry, but I really did need to vent that day.

Back to Ukulele: I AM SO EXCITED! Every day that goes by just eeks along. I've been reading a lot of threads hoping that it will pass the time. I also have wasted countless hours on Facebook (I'm officially an addict). I'd like to be plotting furniture placement in the nursery - but if you read the earlier post re: the realtor, you'll know that particular predicament - no nursery yet!

Oh, I did read something interesting in another blog.... gDiapers. I'm going to look into those. I find them intriguing......

Need to Vent

Ok, I have to get this off my chest. There is a woman I know who is pregnant. She found out this week the sex of her baby. Now, before I vent too much, I want to preface this story with the fact that she is very happy to be pregnant with baby number two and that the baby is healthy. I am very happy for her as well.

Now to the venting part:

She comes in to my office yesterday and says "So, do you want to hear our news?" I said "Sure." She proceeds to tell me that they found out the sex of their second baby. She desperately wanted a girl. She sighs - in front of my desk - and says (without happiness) "We're having a boy. I really wanted a girl. I don't know how to take care of a boy." Um.... ok. Sorry for your freakin' bad luck in the sex-of-your-baby department. Why don't you try not being able to have a baby at all - much less being able to pick the sex you ungrateful fertile b*&$ch. UUGHHHH! So today a group of us are at lunch, and she is sitting across the table from me telling her sex-of-the-baby story to the girl sitting next to me. I tried to block their conversation from my ears, I really did, but it didn't work. I overheard her say that she cried, she literally CRIED in the doctor's office, when she found out she was having a boy. Oh, this woman also complains because a friend of hers is pregnant and due the same week - and this friend of hers will remain skinny while she gets fat. Too *bleepin* bad for you. I - along with other infertiles - would love to be able to experience the weight-gain that pregnancy brings. I have held my tongue long enough during this fiasco.... next time it comes up I am letting loose.

Oh - you want to know if she is aware that we cannot have biological children?

Yes, she knows.

I cried to her in her office when I found out.

Her husband (who is a doctor) gave me my shots in my ass when I was taking fertility drugs.

She knows.

I know I should address this with her and ask her to be a little bit more respectful - but maybe I'm the one who should try to be more tolerant. I'm just so sick of all these fertile people around me. I swear there is something in the water in the building I work. Or maybe in the city's water supply. But I know the real issue is that I am so sensitive to fertiles that I notice them everywhere. It should be classified as a sixth sense. And to top it all off, I want so desperately to talk about Ukulele. That little girl occupies almost every thought all day long. I cannot wait to be her mother!

Much better now - thanks for listening (*reading*).

Tie-Die

I spoke with my Adoption Intermediary last night who gave me an update on Juno and Ukulele. Juno had another doctor's appointment yesterday and she is doing well. She has gained twelve pounds so far during the pregnancy and the doctor said she is right on track. The doctor also moved her due date up a week! Yay! Ukulele is doing fantastic and is very healthy. Another yay! Our little Ukulele is now 26 weeks, about 9 inches long, 1.5 pounds, and is starting to hear!

In a long conversation with Juno, the Intermediary found out the Juno would like to be a DJ! The interesting thing is that GatorMan was a DJ for over ten years before we met.... so this is just another happy coincidence in Juno's path crossing with ours. She talked a lot about getting a job after Ukulele is born and wanting to finish school. She is also telling other people of her plan to adopt Ukulele into a family that can take care of her.

But what really hit my heart-strings was that she asked Intermediary if she thought the adoptive family would be alright with her making a special onesie for Ukulele. She wants to do something for the baby that we can keep. Intermediary asked us if it was okay, and I responded that absolutely anything that Juno makes for Ukulele will be perfect. Intermediary said "Well, I hope you like tie-die then.... she wants to do a tie-die onesie!" I think that is absolutely perfect, and I am so excited to see it and take pictures of Ukulele in it for her.

With every day that goes by, I am feeling more and more confident that this is going to happen and that it is definitely meant to be.

"I can cry if I want to....."

Last night I talked to my mother - Ukulele's grandmother - and we discussed what was going on with the whole adoption process. Grandma GreenEggsNHam has been asking what we are going to name our little Ukulele, and I haven't told her yet. I said it was going to be a surprise. GatorMan was sitting next to me on the couch when the discussion with Grandma was occurring. I looked over at him and mouthed "do your parents know the name?" He just looks at me and nods! So I ask Grandma if she really wants to know the name we picked, and she says "yes." So I tell her. I only get the first name out and there is silence on the other end. Then I hear her sobbing. So I start crying. Then I look over at GatorMan and his eyes are watery. After she and I calm down, I tell her the middle name.... more crying. We are giving the Ukulele my mother's name as a first name, and her middle name after GatorMan's mother. Sorry, cannot share the name right now... I don't want to jinx anything.

Speaking of jinxing, is it wrong that we have not bought one single thing for Ukulele yet? I mean no bottles, clothes, diapers, zilch. Nada. I'm even afraid to look at stuff in the store for fear that I will get too attached. I know this is the "protective" stance, but is it overboard? The thing is, is that I do not want any of that stuff in the house in case something does not work out the way we anticipate. But then on the other side of it, I know we should keep a positive attitude about the whole thing - which would include preparations. Ugh. Has anyone read "The Secret"? Damn you, "The Secret"! I'm afraid to be hesitant and protective of my feelings, but I know that I should be positive and expect the best to happen.

Still nothing new on the Ukulele front. Just (im)patiently waiting for her arrival. With positive thoughts.

Need new realtor?

So in our quest to find our Ukulele, we know that we will have to get a larger home. Right now we live in a one bedroom/one bathroom townhome. Not too bad for a married couple, and not too bad for a couple wanting to adopt - in NYC. However, we are not in NYC, therefore, one bedroom/one bath is too small. After discussing my current domicile predicament with a couple of different homestudy professionals, it was agreed that we would have to move. So, the cozy townhome is now on the market - which means we have a realtor.

So yesterday GatorMan tells me that the Mr. Realtor told him that someone is interested in swapping houses with us (they have an empty house and an extra mortgage - and are interested in using ours as a rental). Both parties have seen the other's property. We're interested. Anyway, GatorMan says Mr. Realtor has spoken with Other Realtor, and as long as we REDUCE our price, and agree to pay more than the asking price on the other property, we may have a deal. WTF???? Um, yeah, I don't think so. Not in my lifetime. Ukulele can sleep in the drawer. (Just kidding, obviously.) Other Realtor says our house is overpriced for our area based on the comps. Well, the comps that Other Realtor is relying on are condos... not townhomes. BIG difference when in my townhome community WE OWN THE LAND our home sits on. Mr. Realtor and Other Realtor don't seem to think that's an issue. Well, I don't think it's an issue to have Other Realtor sit on her client's house for another year either. So anyway, last night I pull the comps - townhome comps - for our area, along with the comps for the other house, and write a very *restrained* e-mail to Mr. Realtor explaining that our house is appropriately priced and the other house is at least $20 per square foot more than every other house in its neighborhood (without good reason - I know, I've been in the house). Mr. Realtor's response this morning? -- "That's great amo! Let me know if you have any more information."

WHAT???? I'm sorry - am I now expected to do YOUR job? (And yes, he spelled "ammo" with one "m".)

How about this Mr. Realtor - "Since I am doing your job for you, how about reducing your realtor fee to half of what it is right now. That seems about fair. What? Not fair? WELL NEITHER IS MY DOING YOUR WORK!"

Whew. That's off my chest. I kindly pointed out that we do not have to sell and that we are not the ones sitting on an empty house and an extra mortgage. Mr. Realtor indicated we can negotiate early next week. Um - not unless Pompous Homeowner and Other Agent get off their high horses.

So.... while Waiting for the Ukulele, we are also trying to sell our house. In this market. Which sucks. But... we are making a valiant (most of the time) effort, and I hope that looks good to the person doing our homestudy.

On the Ukulele front - no new news. Therefore I assume that everything is status quo.