Orphaned and Eldered at 40

I stumbled across an article today that discussed adults becoming orphans when their parents die. The author indicated that it was one thing to lose her father... but when her mother passed away some years later it was much more difficult to handle than she originally anticipated. That's how I feel, only I've added my grandmother into the mix as well.

I'm the last of the line. Yes, I have a sister - but she is my half sister who still has a living father and another whole family to rely upon. I am now the oldest in my line. And although I am 40, I feel too young for this particular role. I've got too many questions that still need answering, too many lessons that need to be learned, and (hopefully) too many years ahead of me to be here alone. (Yes, yes, I have my sister, my husband, my daughter... but you know what I am talking about.)

I went home a couple of weeks ago to go through not only my mother's personal belongings, but also through my grandmother's. In two days I dug through two entirely different houses of women I deeply loved. It was my job to pull out the things that meant the most to me so I could keep them. I cannot describe the difficult decisions that had to be made. I sat in those homes knowing full well that it may be the last time I was ever in them. My grandmother lived in her house for my entire life, and now I may never step foot in it again because it will be sold. My mother and I had a rocky relationship at times due to her lifelong companion who despised me. Through his grief I have been welcomed back into their home - but who knows how long that will last, so I could have easily experienced my last trip to her house also.

I came home from that trip with photos, letters, books, and quilts. I also came home with more questions than answers, and that, perhaps, is what bothers me the most. Who can tell me more about my paternal great-grandmother who may be a family link to my best friend from high school? Who will tell me about the love-letter my father wrote to my mother after they were divorced (and explain why my mother saved it for 37 years)? Who will tell me how to make family recipes that were not written down? Who will explain the people in the photographs? You see, I - me alone - am the last of the line yet the beginning of the line. I am now the one that subsequent generations will come to in order to have questions answered. My fear is that I may not have the answers because I was thrust into this position before it was time.

I feel an incredible emptiness that I fear few people can understand. I had barely come to terms with my father dying, and then my mom dies exactly six months later. While reeling from that loss, my grandmother dies in the same month. My three remaining living elders that were a direct familial connection were taken seemingly at once. There was too much to do in order for me to grieve... I had a daughter to take care of, a house to clean, a job to go to, a wife to be. I still wonder if this has all been a dream and I'm about to wake up. You see, I don't think it has really sunk in yet. I feel like it is just under the surface and I am doing everything I can to keep it submerged, allthewhile feeling like I'm about to explode. But I know I won't... explode that is. I can't. Because the elder in the family always maintains her cool. And now that elder is me. Orphaned, and eldered, at 40.

The Worst Seven Months...

The last seven months have been the worst I have ever experienced in my life. September 4, 2010: My father died. March 4, 2011: My mother died. March 30, 2011: My grandmother died. Within seven months, almost my whole family was wiped out. And here's the eerie thing about it... my mom and dad died exactly six months apart, within minutes of each other. They both died on the 4th day of the month, in their 70th year, at approximately 7:30 a.m.** Yeah, you can only imagine what my 70th year is going to be like for me. And my grandmother that passed? See the post below for her beautiful face. She was my father's mother, and lived to 96. Please please please let me have inherited her genes. Oh, and in the middle of those seven months -- I turned 40. Yay me. I'm hoping to get back to blogging. I've missed it. But as you can see, I've been busy with not-so-fun things. I hope to have happier musings soon. ** This would seem "understandable" if they were still married, however, they had been divorced for approximately 38 years when they died.

Saying Goodbye to Grandpa

We've had a busy few weeks this month. I received a call at work on Thursday, September 2, that my father was in the hospital and under hospice care. I drove 20 hours north, and was able to sit with him for a few hours on Friday night. He passed away early the following morning. Ukulele and GatorMan flew up for the visitation and funeral, and then we all drove back home together.

It's very surreal. The last time I saw my father he seemed healthy and had not been diagnosed with cancer yet. That was in January. A short nine months later he was gone. I'm not sure if it doesn't seem real to me because I did not see him get sick, or if it just has not really set in yet.

Ukulele did great during the whole ordeal. She kept looking up at the casket (during the visitation) and then looking at me. I had to tell her that grandpa had gone night-night. She would just lightly whisper "nigh-nigh." So heartbreaking on a number of levels.

So to you, Dad and Grandpa, rest easy, and keep cheering for those Hawkeyes. We're going to miss you.

Four generations... Ukulele, me, Dad, and Grandma (Ukulele's great-grandma)

Ukulele and Grandpa - one of their first meetings






Ukulele with Grandpa's Hawkeye bear he sent for her









Three of the original four generations

Sorry for the blackout....

If anyone is still reading, and had a problem getting in to my blog, please accept my apology for the restricted access. I teach at a local college at night, and one of the assignments I gave my students was to internet stalk me. AFTER I had given the assignment I realized that I did not want them to find my blog and my personal life contained therein. Therefore I had to block it for awhile. I am fairly certain that enough time has passed that it should be safe to come out of hiding.

Speaking of coming out of hiding.... here is Ukulele at 18 months.


She has gotten so big, and so fast! She is in 2T clothes already, and is in the 95th percentile for height and weight. I'm guessing her firstdad must have been tall because I'm told firstmom is very petite.

GatorMan and I are jumping into the adoption pool again. We are hoping for a private adoption like we had with Ukulele. We've discussed using an agency, but have decided to try the private-route first.

Other than Ukulele growing like a weed, things have pretty much been the same as always... work, teaching, acting, and loving my role as Mom!

Reflections on a Past Life

This weekend one of GatorMan's friends came to visit us (and go on a date with one of GatorMan's business friends). Friend is a really really great guy who drove here three hours - only to get stood up. As I was talking to Friend, explaining to him that he did not need to call No-Show, I told him not to settle for someone just to have someone. This got me thinking about my last serious relationship prior to GatorMan.

I was dating a guy who wanted me to move in. I explained that I was not going to move in unless I was assured that the relationship was going to end up in marriage and children. He assured me it would. Over a year of living together later - no ring (which was a personal requirement for me prior to having a child). When I confronted him about our situation, he indicated he was not interested in having children. The next day I began househunting for a place of my own. Although I loved this guy - I was not willing to settle for something less than what I wanted and deserved.

I look back at that time (I was much younger) and wonder "What if?" What if we had tried to have a child - would my body have cooperated? What if we DID have a child - would I still be with that guy? What if I would have settled, and waited (and waited). What if . . . . What if . . . . What if . . . . ?

All of those "What ifs" add up to this: Nothing. IF any of those things would have happened, I would not have GatorMan. And if I did not have GatorMan, I probably would not have Ukulele. Life is great, despite its (sometimes) numerous setbacks. I really do believe in unanswered prayers. I have the two BEST unanswered prayers ever: GatorMan and Ukulele. IF my prayers had been answered way-back-when, I would not have met GatorMan. If I had not met GatorMan, I would not have traveled down the adoption road as soon as I did (adoption was always in the cards for me - biological child or not), and Ukulele would have had a different mom and dad.

Whatever happened to Prior Guy? He got married. And is still childless. But as I was driving Ukulele to school today, I thought of him. And I thought of what I was like when I was with him. I was only half the person I am today ~ and he really missed out. Being a mother has made me a happier person, a BETTER person. So to you, Prior Guy: Thank You. Thank you for allowing me to find my true self. I couldn't have done it with you.

Still Here

Yep, still here. Still loving life. Still loving Ukulele more than life itself. Not sure why I haven't blogged in like, well, forever. Wait, yes, I do know. I'm busy as hell. Full time job (thankfully!). Part-time teaching (two nights per week). Performing on a floating murder mystery cruise. Cleaning. Sewing. Sleeping (rarely). Book-reviewing. I'm wondering what else I can squeeze into the two free minutes I have every day. They musn't go to waste, you know.

Ukulele update: At her 15 month (!) check-up, she came in at the size of a two-year-old. Ninety-fifth percentile for height, ninetieth for weight. She's walking... almost running. Spinning in circles. Talking... although I'm not really sure what she is saying most of the time! She reads books out loud (in her own language) with the same cadence that we read to her in. She sings (again, in her own language). She laughs - constantly! Dancing? Check! Yes - I'm biased - but she really is the happiest baby I have ever met. Don't get me wrong, she has her growing pains like all toddlers. A wee-bit cranky when teething. Fussy eating sometimes. And her new thing? Slapping. Yeah, that cool personality trait showed up last night. It'll come to a screeching halt, that's for sure!

And I guess we can put it out there for the whole world..... we're on the adoption list again. Let the waiting begin.

Happy... Joyous.... Exhilaration... Delight...

What do all of these words have in common? They are synonymous with:

G.LEE ! ! ! !

I really miss that show. I love it when a TV show makes me smile, laugh, and sometimes even cry.

So tonight I downloaded the G.lee soundtrack. Holy crap! I truly feel sorry for those who have the unfortunate luck to end up in vehicles that surround mine at traffic lights for the next few weeks. Now don't get me wrong - I am quite the vocalist. In my own car. And in my own home. And occasionally at a karaoke bar. I sound pretty damn good if I do say so myself. (Just don't ask anyone else.... trust me.... well, you can ask Ukulele ~ she seems to like my singing!)

Speaking of Ukulele, she's turning in to quite the musical (movie, tv, soundtrack) fan. I'm sure it has NOTHING to do with me always playing musicals or soundtracks with her present. She shows an early affinity for Mamm.a M.ia and Gre.ase 2. I have no doubt at all that she is going to LOVE this new soundtrack!

On a less gleeful note, please keep two of our bloggy friends in your thoughts and prayers. Emily and E have both experienced failed adoption placements over the last couple of weeks. My heart breaks for them.